by Dakota

Chakotay was seated near a group of his former crew for the first half of Tom's double feature. The film had quickly lost his interest so he had been studying the audience in the darkened theater. It had been a long time since the Maquis had clustered together but recent events had reminded them of their long time friendships. Those same events had put a strain on newer friendships. Chakotay was concerned about those friendships but the scattering of people from Voyager's original crew among the Maquis assured him they remained intact.

As the closing credits for The Lobster People scrolled down the screen, Chakotay watched as Tuvok stood and left the theater. He alone had claimed affiliation with them all and he alone had betrayed them all -- first as a spy on Chakotay's ship and now on Voyager. Chakotay thought Tuvok's appearance tonight could be his way of letting the entire crew know he still valued their friendship, even if he would never use those words.

Tuvok's steps slowed almost imperceptibly as he passed Jor and Tabor and Chakotay's thoughts shifted to them and their reactions to the rebellion they had helped stage. He knew they had both been shaken by their roles but seemed to be finding their balance together. Others were finding that balance as well. Those who had not been part of the rebellion seemed to have no lasting anxiety from their time locked in their quarters or qualms about those who had locked them there.

Tuvok moved past the end of the row where Chakotay sat bringing his attention back to the Vulcan. He was probably the one most affected by events since he was the trigger. Vulcans had a deeply rooted sense of duty and Tuvok had failed not only as an undercover operative and chief of security but also as an officer under the command of a close friend. Chakotay knew that Tuvok and the captain had talked about the rebellion and Tuvok's role and that all would be well once Tuvok had come to terms with being a pawn in another's obsession for a long dead cause.

Chakotay turned his attention to his captain. She was the one with the most to forgive and forget. He already knew from her reaction when they released her from the brig that intellectually she had done that, but her emotions had to be in turmoil. She hadn't mentioned to anyone what had happened in the ready room with the phaser so only he, she, Tuvok, and Ayala knew about it. Her head was tilted down in thought.

The lights came up. Tom was on his feet announcing a ten minute intermission before the second feature and urging them to get popcorn, candy and sodas from the concession stand at the rear of the theater. Most of the others stood and stretched before moving toward the rear of the theater but the captain remained seated.

Chakotay waited until those near him had moved away before he stood and made his way toward the captain.

"Mind if I join you?"  Without waiting for a reply, he sat down next to her.

Kathryn turned to the sound of a familiar voice and let out a long sigh as her eyes met his. She smiled with a hint of exasperation. "Would it make any difference if I said 'no,' Commander?"

"We're both off duty, Kathryn, and yes, it would make a difference. I just thought you might want to talk."

"Not tonight."

"Then how about some company for the next feature?"

"What is it?"

"A change of pace from what Tom said. It's called Galaxy Quest."

"Sounds a lot more appealing than The Lobster People. I think I can handle a nice documentary on space exploration." Kathryn seemed to find comfort in the idea.

"It's not a documentary; it's a comedy."

Kathryn blanched. "A comedy?" She sighed again and closed her eyes. "That talk is beginning to sound more appealing."

"We don't have to talk. Why don't we go for a walk around the ship, make sure all the decks are where they belong?"

"You make a tempting offer." Kathryn was relieved that he offered an escape from both the film and the discussion she wasn't ready to have.

Chakotay glanced at the slowly returning crowd and stood up. "We'd better go before the film starts."

Feeling like errant students, they made their escape from the theater.

"Where shall we start?" Chakotay was going to leave their route to Kathryn.

Kathryn looked into Chakotay's eyes for a moment. "Let's just take the long way home. Talking is beginning to sound like a good idea after all."

Chakotay held out his arm and Kathryn grasped it and allowed him to lead her toward the nearest turbolift. She glanced at him in surprise when he ordered it to hydroponics. He remained quiet as he led her through the plants and flowers, stopping only to enjoy the myriad scents of Neelix's herb garden.

After about twenty minutes, Chakotay silently led her back to the turbo lift and ordered it to deck three. As they approached the door to his quarters, he slowed. "Your place or mine, Kathryn?"

"Yours. I think I'd like you to play host tonight." Kathryn smiled. "We can use your rations."

They entered Chakotay's quarters and Kathryn followed him to the replicator. He turned to her. "What would you like? Coffee, black?"

Kathryn shook her head slowly. "Not tonight. I think I'd like hot chocolate with kahlua and amaretto… and whipped cream."

Chakotay smiled as he handed her the requested beverage certain she would change her mind after the first sip. Kathryn clasped the mug and took a sip. "Mmmm. Tonight that tastes good."

"You do need to talk, don't you?"

Kathryn looked up at him. "I guess maybe I do. How did you know?"

Chakotay nodded toward the couch as he answered. "I know how much this whole thing has upset me and it has to have upset you even more."

Kathryn settled comfortably in the middle of the couch and Chakotay sat next to her. "Why do you think this has upset me more than you? You were the one used against your friends."

"I know and I'm still struggling to come to terms with how easily Teero did that." Chakotay sipped his tea hoping she wouldn't try to deny what he was going to say next. "But you were the one whose friends mutinied. You were the one whose crew locked her up at phaser point.

"You were the one who watched her two best friends nearly kill her – one giving the order and the other pulling the trigger."

"You knew the phaser was inoperative."

"You didn't know that. You expected to die if Tuvok fired – and you saw him pull the trigger – on my order."

"Neither of you were in control, Teero was."

"That's what we know. I'm talking about how you feel."

Kathryn took a last sip of her hot chocolate and set her mug on the table. For a minute, Chakotay though she was going to leave. He set his mug down, planning to follow her but she surprised him by leaning back against the couch. She was looking at her hands resting on her lap, her breathing uneven. Then he noticed her shoulders shaking ever so slightly. Gently he reached his hand to tilt her head up slightly. That's when he saw the tears.

Kathryn fought to control her reaction to what Chakotay had said. Silently she struggled with the pain evoked by the images he described. She held back the tears until he tilted her head up. Seeing the pain reflected in his eyes broke the dam holding back the flood. The tears streamed down her face uncontrollably.

Chakotay's reaction was instinctive. He moved closer to Kathryn and pulled her into his arms trying to comfort her. Kathryn offered no resistance as she cried. Eventually the tears slowed and her breathing evened out enough for her to talk. Kathryn straightened slightly but made no move to pull away from Chakotay.

"Feeling better now?" Chakotay's voice was gentle.

"A little." Kathryn shook her head. "I had no idea… How did you know?"

"I remember how I felt when Seska betrayed us. I knew this had to be much worse." Chakotay paused. "I've tried to imagine how I would feel if you gave the order and B'Elanna were the one who pulled the trigger. I don't have the words to describe what I can only imagine. You experienced it. What were you feeling?"

"Anger. Betrayal. Those are the feelings I remember most but I know you didn't betray me. Neither of you did."

"What else?" Chakotay gently prompted Kathryn to keep talking.

"Fear. I never expected to face death by your order or Tuvok's hand." Kathryn sighed. "And fear of dying. I've faced death before, but it was always only a possibility, never a harsh certainty. I thought myself a coward."

"Hardly a coward, Kathryn. You didn't flinch."

"Maybe." Kathryn was reluctant to concede that interpretation.

Chakotay let her consider his words before he continued. "What else?"

"An overwhelming sense of failure. I had failed at everything that mattered. Most of the crew would have been left on that planet and Voyager wouldn't have had a hope of making it back to the Alpha Quadrant with less than a skeleton crew. I'd failed to protect my ship and my crew including you and Tuvok. Guilt that I wasn't going to have to live with my failure." Kathryn sighed and shifted herself into a more comfortable position against Chakotay. "I had no idea one person could feel so much in such a short time."

"How are you and Tuvok doing?"

"We're doing all right." Kathryn didn't seemed inclined to say much more. "His logic will eventually allow him to deal with the emotional impact of the last few days."

"Even after firing a phaser to kill you?"

"I asked him about that. He said he knew you did not trust him and would not have given him a dangerous weapon." Kathryn sounded a bit rueful. "I'm not sure I trust his logic when it comes to the limits of your self-confidence."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that phaser malfunctioned because you wanted me alive not because you were afraid he'd turn it on you."

"You're right." Chakotay confirmed. "Even with Teero in control, I was still protecting you. I'm glad we both realize that."

"Me, too." Kathryn switched the topic unexpectedly. "What emotion is the strongest for you about this whole thing?"

"Surprise." Chakotay's answer was quick.

"Surprise?" Kathryn seemed surprised at his choice. "When?"

"When we released you from the brig. I was surprised at how easily you accepted that it wasn't a trick. You believed me without any explanation."

"I trust you, Chakotay. You know that."

"That's why I was surprised. You had no reason to believe it wasn't some trick. You accepted what I said as truth. That's why I was surprised." Kathryn turned to him, a puzzled expression on her face. Chakotay smiled. "You were acting on your feelings, Kathryn, not the facts as you knew them."

"Was I?" Kathryn was clearly talking to herself as she lowered her gaze to her hands and leaned against him as she considered his statement. "Maybe I was. I don't know."

Kathryn was the first to break the introspective silence. "So, what else are you feeling now?"

"Guilt, failure, a lot of the same things you feel. I betrayed my best friend then I threatened to kill her. I broke my promise and wasn't there when she needed me. I'm guilty of betrayal, sedition, mutiny, treachery... the list goes on."  Kathryn hadn't realized until he started talking how deeply this had impacted Chakotay. She didn't hold him accountable for his actions but she should have known that he would.

"I let you down and for that I am truly sorry." Chakotay silenced Kathryn's protest with a finger. "Shhh. I know. I wasn’t in control. The plan was in place before we even met. I know these things, but I still feel that way."

Kathryn desperately needed to break the tension and shifted away from Chakotay to stand. "I'm helping myself to another hot chocolate. Would you like more tea?"

"Thank you, yes. Help yourself to my rations."

Chakotay's attempt at humor fell flat but Kathryn recognized it as an effort to lighten the mood so she ignored his comment.

When she returned to the couch, she passed Chakotay his tea before taking her mug and leaning back against him in her former position. She smelled her hot chocolate, enjoying the aroma before she sipped it. Chakotay smiled indulgently when she was forced to lick the whipped cream off her upper lip.

They finished their drinks in silence before placing the mugs back on the table. Kathryn leaned her head against him lost in thought. Chakotay thought she had fallen asleep until she spoke. "You know, I felt one other thing when Tuvok raised that phaser."

"What was that?"

"Regret. I regretted the things I hadn't done." Chakotay had not expected that reaction. She sighed and shook her head. "Isn't that what they always say – that you regret the things you don't do, not the things you do? Well, I have to agree. My regrets were all for things I had not done."

"Such as?"

"Little things like not telling Naomi another story last week when she asked. Or not doing more to promote people who've earned it."

"Seems to me you can remedy those omissions whenever you choose."

"I know. There are other regrets, too. Most of them involve you in some way and I'm not sure I can remedy them. I'm not even sure I should try."

Chakotay didn’t know what to say. The last thing he wanted to do was to push Kathryn into doing or saying something she would regret tomorrow.

Kathryn sighed contentedly. "Why can't it always be like this?"

"It can – if you want it to be."

"Maybe it can be like this after every major crisis but if it's to be like this day after day, something would have to change."

"That's almost a contradiction – you want it to stay the same but something would have to change?" Chakotay's gentle teasing hid his curiousity.

"I guess I didn't say that very well. I meant that in order for us to share moments like this on a regular basis, our relationship would have to change."

"Does this have something to do with those regrets you mentioned?"

"Yes."

Chakotay had suspected they were related but had not expected her to admit it to him so easily.

"I'd have to do some of the things I regret I haven't done." Kathryn was silent a long time as she replayed all the emotions she'd felt when Tuvok held the phaser on her. Life was too short not to take a few chances. Her voice trembled as she whispered, almost to herself. "I'd have to tell you I love you. Then I'd have to ask if you love me and want to expand our relationship. Then you'd answer me and I'm afraid to hear that answer. I'm afraid you might say 'yes' and we'd leave all these special moments behind. And I'm afraid you might say 'no' and we'd never have anything more than this."

"Why don't you kiss me? It might make it easier to decide what to do." Chakotay's whisper barely reached Kathryn's ears.

Slowly Kathryn turned her head and looked up at Chakotay's lips. At first she didn't allow her eyes to meet his, afraid of what she might see. She licked her lips before raising her eyes to meet his as she stretched to brush his lips with her own. His response was gentle and reassuring but not what she had hoped. She withdrew sadly.

When Kathryn turned her head down, Chakotay stopped her withdrawal with his fingers. "My turn."

The second kiss started as gently as the first but this was no reassuring kiss; this was a kiss that promised and demanded much more. When Chakotay ended the kiss, Kathryn felt abandoned and looked up at him to see a warm smile.

"Your turn." Chakotay whispered the words. "But be careful what you ask for this time, you just might get it, Kathryn."

Kathryn smiled into his eyes as she pulled his head down. "I hope so, Chakotay. I certainly hope so."