by Dakota

Chakotay watched Kathryn as she entered her ready room.  It had been nearly a week since her battle with the alien that had tried to lure her into his lair using her father as bait. The doctor had cleared her for active duty and this was her first day back, but Chakotay thought there was something about the encounter that was still bothering her. Chakotay checked the chronometer before rising and following her to the ready room. He was admitted almost as soon as he signaled.

Kathryn was standing at the replicator sipping her cup of coffee while a cup of tea sat on the counter. She picked up the tea and walked toward the couch near the viewport signaling Chakotay to join her there. She sat down and handed the tea to Chakotay. Taking one last sip of the coffee, she placed it on the table. She started ticking off items on her fingers.

“I am taking a break. I have had only one other cup of coffee since lunch. I am not planning to work past my assigned duty shift.” She paused to catch her breath. “Did I miss anything?”

“Yes, you did, Captain.” Chakotay smiled, wondering if she would know what he was thinking.  She knew.

“Oh, right! I will join you for dinner at 1900 in your quarters, Commander. Now, if I’ve covered everything to your satisfaction, I really would appreciate it if I could just sit here with you and enjoy my coffee while we make small talk.”

“Gladly, Kathryn. Have you heard about Tom’s latest holoprogram?”

Kathryn and Chakotay sat enjoying a last cup of coffee after their dinner. They had moved from the table to the couch where they could look out the viewport at the stars floating by.  Kathryn seemed relaxed enough but Chakotay still thought something was bothering her. Finally, he broke the companionable silence.

“There’s something you haven’t told me about that alien, isn’t there, Kathryn?” Kathryn didn’t even seem surprised at his question.

“You’re right, there is something that I haven’t told you but it isn’t exactly about the alien, at least not directly. It isn’t something that happened but something I realized when I was repeating what I remembered endlessly for the doctor. I’ve been trying to decide whether to tell you, and if I do tell you, then how do I tell you.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me, Kathryn? I’m your friend, not just your first officer. I thought you could tell me anything.”

“Some things are easier to tell a stranger. I’ve been reluctant to tell you because I’m afraid it will change things between us. The truth is I don’t know whether I’m more afraid it will change things or more afraid it won’t.”

Chakotay was tempted to speak but decided to let Kathryn tell him at her own pace in her own way since she had clearly already decided to tell him what was bothering her or she wouldn't have mentioned it. While she gathered her thoughts, he took their coffee cups and carried them to the table with the other dirty dishes. He picked up the half bottle of wine left from dinner and carried it along with their glasses back to the couch. He sat next to Kathryn on the couch before filling their glasses and then setting the bottle on the floor. She smiled her thanks for the wine and took a small sip before beginning.

“Do you remember how I described the alien’s appearance? He looked, spoke and acted just like my father. He knew things about me only my father would know. But he also knew things my father couldn’t have known. Looking back, I know I should have recognized the inconsistencies in his story. He had taken all this information from my memories and used it to set a trap for me. His trap should have worked, Chakotay. He should have been able to convince me he was really my father.

“Well, sometime during the fourth repetition of my memories to the doctor, I realized the alien had made a huge mistake. We all thought he had picked the most likely person to trap me. He hadn’t. He must have done a very limited scan of my memories and feelings and selected my father from those before going deeper for details about my father. I was really shaken when I realized he could have set a trap for me that would have worked, and worked very easily.” Kathryn shuddered slightly at the memory before drinking the last of her wine and handing the glass to Chakotay to place on the table next to him.

“I realized that if he had picked a different person -- the right person -- to impersonate, all he would have had to say is ‘I died, too. I’ve been waiting for you so we could move on together.’ So few words could have accomplished so much more than all his begging, pleading, ranting and raving — if he had just picked the right person. I wouldn’t even have considered it could be a lie. I was very shaken by the knowledge that he could have trapped me so easily. Then I was relieved that he hadn’t picked the right person, which led me to wonder how he could have made such a mistake. His very existence depends on making the most of the information available to him. I finally realized that I had buried by feelings about this person very deeply inside so I could pretend they don’t exist. But they do exist, Chakotay.” Kathryn looked at Chakotay to see whether he knew the truth she hadn’t spoken.

“I am that person, aren’t I, Kathryn?” Kathryn nodded and refused to meet his eyes. Chakotay tucked one hand under her chin and gently lifted her head so she would have to meet his eyes. “Why, Kathryn? Why am I the one person you would have believed and followed without question?”

“I love you, Chakotay. I love you so much it scares me. And I don’t know what to do about it now that I’ve finally admitted it to myself.” Kathryn finally looked at Chakotay. He saw the love and the confusion and the fear she was experiencing. He also saw a question that she had not spoken. Chakotay paused. His next words could very well decide their entire future. He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his side as he started speaking.

“I love you, too, Kathryn. This crew has known for years how I feel about you. They know full well that their first officer is in love with their captain. There is nothing wrong in letting them know their captain returns his love.” He took her hand in his free hand; her grasp on his hand tightened and then relaxed before tightening again. He could almost feel the tension draining through her hand clenched on his as she released the fear that he no longer loved her. After a minute her grip relaxed again but retained his hand firmly in hers. Chakotay sighed. Finally she was ready to move forward with him.

“I have loved you for a long time, Kathryn. If you want to continue the way we have been, I'll accept your decision. I would much prefer that we explore our love and our feelings, that we acknowledge our feelings to the crew.”

“I know you’re right, but I don’t know whether I’m ready for that yet. Hiding my feelings for you protected me. If I hadn’t buried those feelings, the alien would have trapped me. I’ve given up the protection I had from the alien, I’ve stopped hiding my feelings from myself, and I’ve told you how I feel. I’m not sure I’m ready to face the crew with all this just yet. I need some time before I can do that.”

“Does that mean you don’t want to move forward?”

“No, just that I’d like to keep it between us for a while to see if we can make this work. I’ll tell you right now I worried about this; it scares me and I am not used to being afraid of anything.” Chakotay could hear something in Kathryn’s voice that he hadn’t heard before, or rather he didn’t hear something — her normal self-confidence was missing.

“What scares you?”

“You. Me. Us.  I don’t want to risk what we have, but now that I’ve finally admitted to myself what I feel, I want more.”

“You know I can’t make any promises, Kathryn.”

"I know, Chakotay."

Chakotay noticed another difference in Kathryn’s voice. Putting together the last week and their conversation so far, he realized that she had made a decision but was not convinced that it was the right decision. He knew that uncertainty about her own judgment was unfamiliar territory for Kathryn. He released her hand and put both arms around her, drawing her into his lap. She immediately burrowed into the shelter of his arms seeking reassurance from him.

Chakotay sat staring at the stars with Kathryn on his lap for over an hour. He wasn’t sure if she was even awake most of that time. Finally he felt her take a deep breath and sit up slightly without pulling away from his hold. Chakotay knew she had made a decision.

“Chakotay, this is probably going to sound ridiculous — even childish. I want to explore our feelings and expand our relationship, but I want us to work things out slowly and make sure we can make the proper adjustments in our command relationship. If it were just the two of us, I wouldn’t be so cautious, but we can’t afford to make a mistake that could adversely impact Voyager.”

Chakotay would have been very concerned about a future with Kathryn if he had listened only to her voice, but while she was speaking Kathryn had shifted around to make herself more comfortable on his lap and allowed herself to lean against him more easily. She had even leaned the side of her head against his chest.

“Chakotay, the one thing I can see as a possible problem is how a disagreement personally could carry over to our duties on the ship. I know in time, we’ll find out the best ways to keep personal disagreements from impacting command decisions, but for at least a couple of months it could be a real problem.”

“I agree, Kathryn, but I think we can handle any disagreement provided we both work at it.”

“I think so, too. That’s the only reason I even considered giving us a chance. I want to get to know you better, but I don’t want to backtrack to our early days in the Delta Quadrant. I want to start where we are right now and move forward. Can we start by just talking?”

“Of course, Kathryn.” Chakotay and Kathryn talked long into the night but gradually ran out of words and drifted into companionable silence. Chakotay finally realized that Kathryn had been asleep for some time and that he was in danger of falling asleep, too. He debated whether to wake her. He finally decided to see if he could move her without waking her. Carefully he gathered her in his arms and stood. Her only response was to shift her head to a more comfortable position on his shoulder.

Chakotay carefully carried her to his sleeping area where he awkwardly managed to kick the spread off his bed before placing Kathryn on the bed. He removed her shoes, then undressed and crawled in beside her. She rolled over as he was adjusting a blanket over both of them. Kathryn opened sleepy eyes and looked at him. Chakotay smile at her hoping she understood his intentions. Finally she closed her eyes again and snuggled against his body.

“Can I spend the night with you, Chakotay?” Chakotay chuckled with relief. He knew she was asleep before he replied, secure in the knowledge of his love before she had even asked the question.

“Yes, Kathryn. You can spend the night, or a lifetime, with me.”