by Dakota

Kathryn was enjoying the afternoon sun and fresh air of the park. She had spent the morning finalizing arrangements for a trade agreement with the local trade commissioner before joining her and a few of her assistants for lunch. After they parted, Kathryn decided to take a brief walk around the town before returning to Voyager. She had found the park nestled along a side street near the center of the city. Impulse and the knowledge that she would be in meetings with officials from other cities for the next two days had taken her along the quiet paths of the park.

Kathryn stopped in a sunny spot and turned her face toward the afternoon sun. It felt good. It had been too long since she had enjoyed a sunny afternoon. A shout drew her attention and she turned towards it. A group of children were playing in an open area laughing and running. Kathryn moved to a bench under a tree and sat to watch their antics. They soon moved away from Kathryn's vantage point, but were replaced by younger children, some barely able to walk. She noticed watchful parents allowing the toddlers a chance to venture forth on wobbly legs as they discovered the wonders of the park.

One little girl in particular caught her attention. She was giggling as she tried to balance on unsteady legs. She spent more of the time crawling to her feet than actually walking but she seemed untroubled by her frequent setbacks, or set downs in her case. Once in a while, she would pause in her efforts to investigate a rock or plant but her attention soon returned to the man nearby who was encouraging her. Finally, she managed five steps without falling and reached his arms. She basked in his praise and giggled as she clapped her hands. His pride in her accomplishments was evident even from a distance. After she had been rewarded appropriately, he put her on her feet and took her hand. Together they walked toward a woman at a picnic table who had been watching them.

Kathryn sighed. She had always thought that someday she would be like that woman, have the things she had – a husband, a child, and all the joys and aggravations that came with them.

There had always been plenty of time but suddenly time seemed to be running out. She had had time when she met Mark. Then Mark had become a part of her unreachable past when Voyager was relocated to the Delta Quadrant. Even on New Earth, she had put off building a new personal life because she had thought there was time. Now, after more than five years in the Delta Quadrant, time seemed to be running out.

Chakotay watched Kathryn as she sat watching children play. He had come looking for her when she had not returned to Voyager and had not been with the trade commissioner. He was surprised and pleased to find her relaxing on a park bench under the shade of a tree. She seemed relaxed and contented. She so seldom took any time for herself that he was reluctant to intrude.

Then something about the way she held her head changed and her shoulders bowed slightly as she looked down at the ground. Small changes that only he would notice told him that Kathryn had changed from contented to sad and lonely.

Chakotay didn't hesitate – he walked towards the bench.

"Mind if I join you?"

Kathryn jerked her head up at the sound of the familiar voice. "You startled me. Of course, sit down." She shifted slightly to reinforce her words and forced her musings to the back of her mind. His warm smile made it easy to smile up at Chakotay.

"I don't want to intrude."

"Don't be silly. Sit down."

Chakotay smiled as he sat next to Kathryn. "You certainly found a beautiful place."

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Kathryn smiled. "Aren't you going to tell me I should do this more often?"

"Not today. It's too beautiful to start that old discussion."

"Thanks." Kathryn whispered the word.

Even when he wasn't nagging her, he managed to let her know he was there keeping an eye out for her welfare. Most of the time, that irritated her; today it made her feel safe. She knew him so well, just as he knew her. He was her best friend yet at one time he had wanted to be more. Had time run out on that as well?

Kathryn turned to study Chakotay's face as he watched the children and toddlers. He looked happy as he focused on their activities but there was something in his eyes told her that his thoughts were about something else. 

"What are you thinking?"

Chakotay turned his attention back to Kathryn as he considered how to answer her question. His eyes stared into hers as if seeking something. He nodded his head slightly as if finding what he sought. "Dreams from another lifetime."

"Oh, really?" Kathryn was intrigued. "Tell me."

"You sure you want to hear them?" Chakotay's voice conveyed his skepticism reminding Kathryn how often she had pushed him away.

"Of course I do."  Kathryn smiled at him.

"All right. They're not much really. Before the Cardassians and before the Maquis I always thought someday I'd have children, that I would be like that man over there," Chakotay gestured toward the man Kathryn had noticed earlier with the toddler, "spending an ordinary day with my family. But I always thought I had time. I focused on my career. Time passed and I never met a woman I wanted to raise my children. Part of my decision to leave Starfleet included acknowledging that I would be giving up that dream. Then we ended up out here and strangely enough, that dream actually seemed possible again. There are times I still hope it might come true, but it's not possible."

"There are already children on Voyager. It's not impossible for you to have a family."

"Ah, but then the woman I love would have to want children, too." Chakotay didn't push. He sighed and straightened making a point to change the focus back to Kathryn. "What about you? Do you want children?"

"I always thought I would. Time slipped away from me, too."

"You still could."

"I don't think so."

"Why not? You're still young enough." Kathryn shot a glare at Chakotay. "You know what I mean, Kathryn."

"That's only part of it. We're on a ship over thirty thousand light years from home and I'm the captain. I can't just take a break to raise children." Even Kathryn thought her response sounded like a trite recitation.

"Why?" Chakotay was tired of letting Kathryn hide behind the same tired old excuses. He was going to make her deal with the underlying issues whatever they were.

"I have responsibilities to the crew. A family and children are luxuries I can't afford right now."

"Those aren't luxuries, Kathryn. They are things everyone wants and needs." Chakotay paused. "You know, in some ways you're better off out here than if you were back in the Alpha Quadrant. You don't have to worry about an assignment keeping you away from children out here. They can be with you on Voyager but they would have to stay behind if you were on assignment back in the Alpha Quadrant."

"A ship is no place to raise children!" Kathryn's voice was a mixture of anger and frustration.

"Tell that to Naomi! She loves it on Voyager. No one ever told her she was being deprived. She'd tell them they were wrong if they tried."

"Sam is not the captain! I am. I'm the one who makes decisions that might cost someone their life. I'd constantly be torn between being with my child and carrying out my duties on the ship. Every decision I make would be impacted by the child's presence on Voyager. Someday I might have to choose between risking the ship and saving my child. It's bad enough now when I have to send you on dangerous assignments! I don't want to make it even harder."

Kathryn didn’t realize what she had said until she saw the look on Chakotay's face. They stared at each other in shock. Abruptly she started to stand and leave but he caught her arm and pulled her back down on the bench.

"No, we need to finish this once and for all." Chakotay turned Kathryn's face so he could look in her eyes. "I'd be your child's father, wouldn't I?"

Kathryn nodded still unwilling to speak.

"What you say is true. You would be torn between your responsibilities to the ship and to our child. I would be just as torn as you. But you wouldn't be alone and I wouldn't be alone. We'd both be there to help the other."

"I can't put you in that position."

"Kathryn, I'm already in that position." Chakotay hesitated before continuing. "I love you. Every time you leave Voyager, I have to force myself to let you go even if I think the risk is too great. I have to remind myself that it's part of loving you. Taking risks is part of who you are and part of why I love you."

Kathryn didn't comment and didn't look at Chakotay.

"Do you love me?"

Kathryn barely nodded her head then finally looked at him as she whispered. "I'm sorry. I never meant to put you through that. I do love you and I know what you say is true, but I just can't raise children on Voyager. I need to stay focused on the ship and the crew and getting us all home."

"Why haven't you told me how you feel?"

"You want children, possibly more than I do. I don't think I could tell you no."

"Is that why you've kept your distance all these years?"

"Not at first, but later, yes." Kathryn sighed. "I want a family but I can't have it yet. Someday. I have to hold out for someday. I can tell myself that but I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you that you'd have to wait for 'someday' to have children. You're the one who said I shouldn’t live for a future that might never happen. Well, children are part of that future. It was easier to tell you to look elsewhere, but I've never found it easy to live with my decision. Today just reminded me of all the things missing in my life."

"Kathryn, we can be a family even if we never have children." Chakotay's voice was soft.

Chakotay leaned down and kissed Kathryn gently. Kathryn forced herself not to react to the kiss until he pulled his head up. His disappointment was clear but the love still visible in his eyes was more than Kathryn could resist. She reached a hand up to pull his head back within reach. She initiated the second kiss but Chakotay soon took control as he gently demanded and promised more. When he finally ended the kiss, they were both breathing heavily. He tilted his forehead to hers as they forced themselves to calm down.

"Does this mean you are willing to give up your old dream about having children?" Kathryn's voice was hopeful.

"No, I still want children. I don't think that will ever change." Chakotay's lips brushed her forehead. "You're the only woman I've ever imagined giving me a child. We'll have children when you're ready, not before. I know it's possible you'll never think the time is right but I also think we can make the time for anything we both really want. I won't bring up the topic if that's what you want but I'm not going to give up the dream either."

Kathryn turned to lean against Chakotay. It felt so good to finally let her guard down. He felt so good. Chakotay shifted and settled his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to his side.

Kathryn was quiet while she thought about what Chakotay had said.

"You make a very tempting offer." Kathryn saw the light flash in his eyes. She knew he would keep his word and never bring up the topic but she also knew he would find other ways to remind her how he felt. He was persistent and she knew that eventually she would yield to him. She turned to study his face. She trusted him with her life and her ship. She knew he wouldn't ask her to give him children unless he thought they could keep those children safe and happy. Could she trust him with their children's lives? She found the answer in his eyes and in her heart. "I'll think about it."

Kathryn was enjoying the afternoon sun and fresh air of the park. She had spent the morning finalizing arrangements for a trade agreement with the local trade delegate before joining him and a few of his assistants for lunch. This was Voyager's last day in orbit and Kathryn's first chance to look around so she headed in the direction of a park she had been told about.

Kathryn stopped in a sunny spot and turned her face toward the afternoon sun. It felt good. How long had it been since she had enjoyed a sunny afternoon? A shout drew her attention and she turned her face towards it. A group of children was playing in an open area laughing and running. Kathryn moved to a picnic table under a tree and sat down to watch their antics. They soon moved away from Kathryn's vantage point, but were replaced by younger children, some barely able to walk. She noticed watchful parents allowing the toddlers a chance to venture forth on wobbly legs as they discovered the wonders of the park.

One toddler in particular caught her attention. She was giggling as she tried to run on unruly legs. She would run a few steps then trip on the uneven ground. She seemed untroubled by her frequent encounters with the grass. Once in a while, she would pause to investigate a rock or plant but her attention always returned to the man nearby who was encouraging her. Finally, she turned and ran toward him without falling and he scooped her high in his arms. She basked in his praise and giggled as she clapped her hands. His pride in her was evident even from a distance. After she had been hugged and teased appropriately, he put her on her feet and took her hand.

Together they walked towards Kathryn.

Kathryn waved and stood as they approached.  "Have a nice afternoon?"

"Of course we did. How did the meeting go?" Chakotay smiled and kissed her cheek before picking up the toddler and handing her to Kathryn. "Someone has been asking about you this afternoon."

"Hi, darling. Did you and Daddy have fun?" Kathryn hugged her daughter. "I missed you both today."

"We missed you, too." Chakotay wrapped an arm around Kathryn and move his other hand to the gentle swell of her belly. "Both of you."

Kathryn passed the toddler back to Chakotay and wrapped her arm around his waist as they headed for the park exit. "I remember the last time we were in a real park. You found me sitting and watching children playing."

"I remember. That was the day you finally told me you loved me."

"The thing I remember is that we more or less agreed to wait to have children."

"I never agreed to that."

"Not in so many words but you did say you wouldn't bring up the topic. And you didn’t. You never said a word about children after that day." Kathryn squeezed his waist slightly. "You just kept telling me how happy you were and how much you loved me. How could I not agree to have a child when you put me under that kind of pressure?"

"Are you complaining about the love, the pressure, or the children?"

"I'm not complaining about anything." Chakotay's chuckle made Kathryn smile. "I'm not. I'm just trying to say I'm glad you love me enough to convince me to make time for our dreams."
 
 

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