by Dakota

Chakotay watched Kathryn as she spoke in a voice so controlled and unemotional a stranger would have thought she was reciting Starfleet regulations. He knew this was one of the hardest things she had had to do in the nearly eighteen years they had been on Voyager. Chakotay’s mind wandered back over these years. He and Kathryn had had their ups and downs in the early years. Looking back he realized that the struggle had tested his loyalty to her, both as captain and as a person, while it tested her trust in him. The loyalty and trust had survived but the struggle between them professionally to find a balance had strained the command structure nearly as much as their unacknowledged love for each other had. But they had met the challenge and now worked together as if one person. Chakotay wished Kathryn had allowed herself to act on the love that she felt but he had long ago accepted her decision. In their early years he had doubted her love but those doubts had faded. Now he knew they both loved but had reached an unspoken agreement to put their crew first.

Chakotay recognized an irony in that agreement. Even as they put their own lives and love on hold for the crew, the crew had started moving forward with their lives. Tom and B'Elanna had only been the first to start a family. Voyager’s compliment had grown to 178 people. Although never intended for children, Voyager’s residential decks now rang with their voices and laughter.

Chakotay’s memories of changes on Voyager were juxtaposed to things that unfortunately hadn’t changed. Their most recent encounter with a new species that attacked without warning, like so many before, would remain a mystery that Voyager would never solve. This group’s first shot had caused only minor damage – a single inertial dampener had been knocked off line. Their second shot had done nothing more than jolt the ship. They never got off a third shot because the officer at tactical hit their weapons array with the first volley which had prompted a self-destruct of the alien ship. The damage done by that second shot was confined to the area affected by the damaged inertial dampener. In that area, all objects not securely fastened down had gone flying, turning small objects into potentially lethal projectiles. People in that part of the ship were thrown against the nearest immovable object – usually bulkheads and railings. Sadly for Voyager’s crew, the affected area had included the ship’s classrooms and nursery. Two adults and nine children had been killed. No child had escaped unscathed but the rest would recover in time. That nameless species would never be forgotten.

Chakotay’s attention returned to Kathryn. Her voice never wavered. He was standing as close to her side as decorum would permit because he knew she was drawing strength from his presence. He hoped they could both get through this memorial service. Kathryn finished speaking and turned to face the view port. Slowly, one by one, Voyager sent eleven capsules off to start their own journey through the stars. Chakotay saw Kathryn’s shoulders shaking and knew she had reached the end of her strength. Behind him he knew the parents were struggling with emotions even more painful. Hoping she would understand his first public display of affection, Chakotay stepped closer to Kathryn and pulled her into his arms. She resisted for a second before her grief took over and she turned to him and let the tears flow. Behind him Chakotay heard the rustle of movement that indicated the others were moving together to share their grief. Slowly, after long minutes of silence, the others began to leave the cargo bay where the service had been held. Kathryn’s tears continued as Chakotay held her close. Finally, long after the others had left she calmed enough to talk.

“Those were our children. I let them kill our children this time.”

“No, you didn’t let them. It was pure luck on their part and bad luck on our part.”

“I’m the Captain. I should have been able to protect the children. I told their parents that we could make a home for them here on Voyager. I promised them I’d get them home. Now their children never will.”

“Kathryn, those children were always home. Voyager was their home just as it has been our home for the last eighteen years. You’ve taken care of the crew and their families. We only have a few more years before we reach Federation space. You will keep your promise to get Voyager home. There was nothing you could have done that would have changed what happened.”

“Yes, there was. I’m the one who decided we couldn’t settle somewhere. I’m the one who said we had to make this horrendous journey. I could have made other choices that would have allowed the children to at least grow up. What gave me the right to make those choices?”

“What do you mean?”

“What gave me the right to decide that getting Voyager back to Earth was what should be done?”

“It was a decision, Kathryn, a decision we made eighteen years ago and a promise to our crew to do what we thought was best. We knew they wanted to go back to Earth so we decided that Voyager’s mission was to return to Earth.”

“No, I made that choice. We didn’t. You may have agreed, but I made the decision. How many planets have we passed where the inhabitants would have welcomed some or all of us? How many uninhabited planets could have become our home? Why did home have to mean Earth? No, I made the decision and now all those children are dead.”

“Kathryn, don’t you think the parents would have asked to be left behind if they thought it was better for their children? They didn’t because they thought Voyager was a better home. Do you really think at least once in all these years I would not have even suggested stopping if I thought it was best for this crew?”

“I never thought about it. I just made the decision and issued the orders and never thought about why no one questioned them. I expected you and the others to follow my orders.”

“Well, know this now. If I would question your decisions about much more minor issues and even challenge you on major ones, I would definitely have at least discussed settling on a planet with you if I thought it was better for the crew. You know I put Voyager’s crew ahead of everything except Voyager’s captain. You once told me I was a fine first officer; I thought you meant it.”

“I did; you are. I guess I never put the two questions together before. You really believe the crew wants to continue this journey?”

“Yes, I do. If they didn’t they would tell us. If they weren’t sure, they would have discussed it with me and no one has ever mentioned the topic. I don’t think a single child would have been conceived if the parents weren’t convinced that Voyager was a good and safe home for their children.”

“You really think so? You really believe they all want to continue this journey and put the rest of the children at risk?”

“Children are at risk wherever they are. Something like this could have happened anywhere. Oh, the cause might have been different, but the results could have been the same or worse. You can’t control the entire universe and you certainly aren’t to blame for the deaths caused by these latest aliens. The crew made their own decisions over the years including the decision to have children knowing the types of risks they were taking. They chose to take the risk of losing what they loved best.”

“I never took any risks. I let everyone take risks but I wouldn’t.”

“What do you mean? You are always putting yourself in danger instead of sending someone else.”

“No, not that kind of risk. I let the others get involved; I encouraged them to make commitments to each other. I told them children were welcome on Voyager and that we would make a home for them here. I let them take all the risks but I never did. There’s even a part of me saying I was right not to take the risk.” Chakotay’s expression conveyed his confusion. “I never risked my heart. I never risked loving you and having children who could be killed on this journey. I have loved you for almost eighteen years and never told you. I was afraid – afraid that you would want a permanent commitment. I knew you wanted children just as I did, but I knew I could never say no if you suggested a family so I avoided the entire issue by pretending Starfleet regulations kept us apart, which we both know is complete fiction.

"In the early years, I honestly believed if I ignored what we felt for each other, you would find someone else who was willing to risk something to make you happy. I was a coward. Then as the years passed, I decided you just hadn’t found someone or they hadn’t wanted to take the risk. I couldn’t even admit to myself that you might still love me, but somewhere inside I knew I had cost you the life and children you really wanted.”

Kathryn paused before continuing. “You’ve stood beside me for so many years, I don’t think I could stand alone on that bridge again. You know when I can face others on my own, you know when I need to feel you standing behind me, and you know when to speak because I can’t find the right words. You cheer me up and make me laugh. You help me understand my crew and explain perspectives that I hadn’t considered.”

“It’s my job to be there for you. It’s what I do best and something I will do as long as you want me as your first officer. I haven’t given up anything unwillingly. I am exactly where and what I want to be.”

“No, you are far more than my first officer and you are far from where you really want to be. You should have a wife and family, Chakotay. It’s what you really want.”

“I have what I really want.” Chakotay touched her mouth with his fingers to stop her protests. “My family is Voyager. More than half the children call me 'Grandpa Chakotay;' the older ones call me 'Uncle.' You know that most of the crew refer to me as the ‘old man’, well they refer to you as ‘mom.’ You may never carry my child, Kathryn, but you have given me a family and made this my home.”

Kathryn’s tears were flowing again and her shoulders shaking as she turned back to his chest. Chakotay hugged her closer knowing that now she cried for more than just the children lost, she was grieving for all the empty years and missed opportunities. Her grip around his waist had been light but as she calmed she hugged him tightly to her. When she spoke, it was a whisper so soft he barely understood her words.

“Do you still love me?”

“Yes, I still love you; in fact I love you more than ever.” He smiled as he answered.

“I love you but I’m not doing this anymore.”

“Not doing what anymore?”

“Not pretending anymore that I don’t love you. I want to kiss you under the mistletoe in front of the crew and have them laugh at us needing an excuse. I want to walk down the corridors holding your hand. I want the crew to be interrupting something other than work if they find us together when we’re off duty. Do you want those things, too?”

“Yes, but I would like to add to the list.”

“Oh, what?”

“I’d like to sleep with you in my arms every night.”

“Just sleep, Old Man?”

“Well, I thought I would settle for sleep and open negotiations for more later.”

“You won't have to negotiate because that's what I want, too. I can’t do it alone and I’m not going to pretend any longer. I’ve acted like this is my ship for years. No more. From now until I am relieved of this command, Voyager is our ship and our family. I care about this crew and their children as I would my own children and grandchildren and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. Most of all, I’m not going to pretend you’re just my first officer. You are that, but you’re also my best friend and counselor and someday soon my lover; at least I hope so.”

Chakotay was pleased that Kathryn finally managed to smile however briefly. The losses Voyager had suffered would leave a scar that would never completely disappear, but the healing process would bring them all closer together. Together Kathryn and Chakotay left the cargo bay arm in arm.