by Dakota

Kathryn just left. She knows what I'm doing. I saw the pain on her face when she saw the paper and pen but she refused to acknowledge it. Maybe I should explain, but if she knew what I was writing and why, it would only bring her more pain. She thinks I am writing about Kellin because I want to remember I loved her, because I don't want to forget that love. She thinks I've stopped loving her and fallen in love with someone else.

She's right about not wanting to forget the love. But she's wrong that I don't want to forget Kellin, that it's Kellin I love. How do I tell Kathryn that I want to remember what it was like to have a woman love me, to have a woman willing to give up everything else in her life to be with me? I only have Kellin's word about loving her on a previous visit but that doesn't matter. I don't remember meeting her then or how I felt. What I do remember is her telling me she came back, that she was running away from her government's officials, to be with me. I remember that she loved me.

I've always been a contrary, challenging my people's ideals and choices. Leaving my family and home to join Starfleet was hard, even for me, and I knew I could always go back. I knew if I changed my mind, I could go home again. Kellin didn't have that option. She was leaving it all for me. She loved me that much. Me. The renegade, the contrary, the outcast, the criminal.

Other women have claimed to love me. Love? Seska had a unique way of expressing that love. She betrayed me and she betrayed those she had claimed were comrades and friends. She helped our enemies when they tried to destroy us.

Then there was Riley. She claimed she loved me but she used me to get what she wanted. She made me disobey orders and break my promise to Kathryn. She undermined my honor as an officer and was willing to ruin my reputation. Not exactly what you would expect from someone who loves you, is it?

Did they hurt my heart? Did I love them? They hurt my pride, that's for sure, but my heart? No, not really. I enjoyed their company and for a time I enjoyed sharing my bed with them but they never touched my heart the way Kathryn has.

I love Kathryn. At times, I think she loves me. Other times I'm not so sure. Sometimes I think I see it in her eyes or hear it in the subtext of the conversation, then she pushes me away. Tonight is one of the nights I saw it in her eyes. She thinks I want to remember I loved Kellin. She's wrong.

I want to remember that a woman loved me, that there's something in me worth loving. I want to remember that someone was willing to give up her life and her principles to be with me. No hidden agenda, no regrets, no struggling with her conscience to make the decision, no excuses about being the captain and protocol.

Maybe in time I would have found out that Kellin had a hidden agenda just like Seska and Riley. She might have left me and Voyager at the first interesting planet. I'll never know. But it doesn't matter. For a few days, I knew how it felt to have a woman love me. For a few days, a person loved me more than duty and responsibility.

I'm writing this for myself, for my ego. I need to know that someone can actually love me and not just want to use me. I'm hoping that I can find solace in this knowledge in the days and years to come. I'm hoping this helps me not give up the hope that someday Kathryn will love me. I'm hoping it helps me believe that Kathryn really does want to be more than my friend, that her excuses are in fact reasons. I'm hoping that because Kellin could love me Kathryn can, too.

I know I'm being selfish. I know I hurt Kathryn by spending time with Kellin. I can't lie to myself. I was selfish. I used Kellin as other women have used me. For a while, I could pretend I was happy. I fooled everyone except myself. Oh, I liked Kellin. She was beautiful and my response to her was real but I didn't love her. She was a poor substitute for the woman I love. When she smiled at me, I saw Kathryn's smile. The hair I kissed was red not blonde. When she declared her love, it was Kathryn's voice I heard.

How do I explain all this to Kathryn? How do I tell Kathryn than the sadness she saw in my eyes the last time I spoke to Kellin was not because I had lost Kellin's love? I was looking at Kellin but it was Kathryn looking back, telling me she couldn't love me, apologizing for not loving me. How do I explain that it was Kathryn who turned her back and walked away from me. How do I tell Kathryn that at times I think she hints at caring for me just to keep me happy as first officer so I will keep the former Maquis in line and follow her orders?

How do I explain all this to Kathryn? I can't, at least not without hurting her. Why am I writing this? I'm not sure. Probably to remind me that there is a chance that someday Kathryn might be able to love me enough to acknowledge her love, that is, if she really does love me. Maybe knowing that Kellin could love me makes it easier to hold on to the hope that Kathryn loves me. Maybe it will make it a little easier to be Kathryn's friend, only her friend, until she is ready to admit her love.

I love Kathryn. I wish she could be more like Kellin, willing to love like Kellin.