by Dakota

Kathryn sat staring out at the stars from her quarters.  She was so lost in her thoughts that she barely noticed the door chime or her reflex response to admit her visitor.  She and Chakotay had disagreed about yet another command decision earlier in the day.  She had decided to get Tuvok’s opinion on this one just to make a point with Chakotay that she was at least considering his alternative.  She had been extremely upset when Tuvok had supported Chakotay’s proposal instead of her own.  Kathryn felt like she had hit an emotional brick wall.  She somehow managed to graciously accept their advice, gave Chakotay the orders to follow through on that option, and then isolated herself in her ready room until Chakotay and Tuvok had gone off duty.  She had crossed the bridge barely acknowledging the officers on duty and gone directly to her quarters.

Once in her quarters, Kathryn allowed her thoughts to wander over all the times she had made poor choices, from her original choice to destroy the Caretaker’s array to all the times Chakotay had refused to support her decisions even though he followed her orders. She remembered Chakotay’s confrontation with her over the Equinox and his and Tuvok’s betrayal and mutiny.  She felt again the pain of ostracism each time she realized the crew was clearly less comfortable when she was present. Kathryn let all those emotions run rampant and realized she had never felt more alone and abandoned by all the familiar supports of Starfleet, friends and family than she did today. Today she felt more alone than ever because the men she considered her best friend and her oldest friend had sided together against her. She was so lost in thought that she didn’t even notice the chime or Chakotay entering.

“What’s wrong, Kathryn?” Kathryn jumped as his soft voice broke the silence. “You’ve seemed upset ever since you ordered us to avoid NaiToklem space this afternoon.”

“It’s nothing, or at least it’s nothing you can help me with right now, Commander.” She knew Chakotay had noticed her reference to his rank immediately and that he knew that she was pulling away again. Kathryn knew there was a part of him that understood her feelings and a part of him that wished she’d just acknowledge she was a woman with a tremendous responsibility who was allowed to make mistakes and who needed to lean on others once in a while. What she didn’t know was how his heart ached because she was so troubled and that he knew his words could do no more to help now than they had so many times before.

“Talk to me, Kathryn. Even if I can’t help, just saying it might help you focus on a solution.” Kathryn’s emotions fought for control. Despair nearly had her crying in his arms but anger won and she struck out at him yet again.

“You! You say you’ll follow my orders, that you’ll support my decisions yet you always have alternatives – a better idea. You tell me I’m not alone, but I am! Everyone on this ship tenses up when I’m around. Everyone is more relaxed when I’m not around. When I enter a room, the conversations pause and then resume. That’s normal but it hurts that even you and Tuvok are the same way. When I walk up, you stop your conversation and make me start a new one. Even when you follow my orders you make sure I know when you don’t agree and think you have a better alternative. I am tired of feeling alone on this ship and there is nothing you or anyone can do to change it!”

Chakotay let the words flow over him as they had so many times before knowing that the anger hid frustration, pain and despair. Somewhere in the midst of her words something triggered a memory and he had an idea.

“Kathryn, we both know what I think so there is no point in repeating a conversation we’ve had dozens of times. I’m going to collect some materials for you to read and think about. Will you promise me to at least read them?”

Kathryn considered her options.  Sooner or later he would get her to read the materials, of that she had no doubt. If she read them willingly, he would not be able to say she had had a closed mind about them when they didn’t help.

“Ok, I’ll read them, but I’m making no other promises.”

“Fair enough. I’ll drop them off later this evening.”

Kathryn was surprised when she returned from dinner to find a padd on her table with a long index of fairly short passages for her to read. She sighed and went to the replicator before picking up the padd. The first entry, Footprints, was an interesting title. She settled herself on her couch and started reading.

Hours later, Kathryn roused from her reading. While the selections had included many from Klingon, Vulcan, and Romulan cultures and even one from the Ocampan literature, most had been from or about Earth’s western civilizations.  Many had been familiar but she had never thought about them in the context she did now. At the end of each selection, Chakotay had added a few words or a phrase indicating why he had included the particular passage or extract. The initial entry had caught her attention and her interest. The other selections included had held her interest.  Kathryn rose from her position on the couch and stretched. She had a lot to think about tomorrow and a lot of reading to finish.

A few days later Kathryn was sitting in her ready room contemplating the materials Chakotay had given her to read. She had been surprised at the variety of topics they covered and the number of cultures represented. At first she was most surprised that her own culture had been the one giving her the most to think about but upon reflection it made sense that humans would have the best insights to human feelings and failings. A few had really made an impression on her and forced her to look at their years in the Delta Quadrant from a new perspective. She knew she would have to make a few changes in her life but they were necessary. She also knew Chakotay would notice those changes and would eventually make her talk about them. Since being willing to talk to him about more personal matters was one of the changes she had to make, she knew the best thing to do would be to talk to him first and there was no time like the present. She tapped her communicator before she could change her mind.

“Janeway to Chakotay.”

“Chakotay here.”

“Commander, could you please come to my ready room?”

”Aye, Captain, on my way.”

Kathryn sighed; she had a slight reprieve. His “on my way” told her he was off the bridge. She used the time to try to organize her thoughts. She barely had time to run through a mental list of topics to cover before the door chimed and all her planning faded from her mind as the sound faded from the room.

“Come in, Commander.” Chakotay entered the room looking more curious than anything else.

“You wanted to see me, Captain.”

“Yes, I did. Thanks for coming so quickly. I wanted to talk about the materials you gave me. I found them all very interesting and a few quite insightful.”

“I’m glad they were helpful, Kathryn.” Chakotay sensed Kathryn wanted to say more but was at the same time hesitating. He didn’t know whether she knew she had to say more and didn’t want to admit it, or if she wanted to say more and didn’t know how to start. Chakotay stood quietly across from her desk watching her face. She was definitely distracted. Suddenly she gave her head a small shake and looked up as if seeing him for the first time. She stood and walked to the replicator.

“Tea?”

“Please.”

She brought their drinks to the table by her couch and sat down. She handed him his tea as he joined her. They sipped their drinks not quite looking at each other until Kathryn finally broke the silence.

“This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to struggle to start a conversation with you. I have some things I want to say about my reaction to the materials you gave me but I don’t know where to begin.”

“Why don’t you just tell me about a few of the selections you liked the best?”

Well, I didn’t like Footprints when I read it the first time. Later after I had read others, that one kept coming back to me and made me think. I know it has a very specific message but it also made me realize that perspective can have a lot to do with how you interpret situations. I was looking at everything from a very narrow perspective. It told me I needed to step back and look at things from a broader perspective. It made me think about you as my First Officer. The other day I told you I felt alone because you didn’t agree with me. That was selfish. You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do – making sure I consider all the alternatives before I make a decision. You’ve always done that. The few times you disagreed with my decision you’ve followed orders but you made sure I knew you thought I was wrong. So many times all I noticed was what you said to me in private when you disagreed with me. I never noticed how you followed my orders anyway. I never really paid any attention to what you did or said on the bridge or when we were in discussions with aliens or during crises. Footprints made me realize how you were always there ready to support me, sometimes with words, sometimes with actions and sometimes just by standing next to me.”

“That’s my job, Kathryn. It’s what I do.”

“No, it’s not just your job and we both know it. But I’ll come back to that later. Let’s see, the Vulcan selections were interesting – literally. I was amazed you managed to find such short passages in their philosophy and literature. They made me slow down and examine what I felt about events and the circumstances associated with them and then separate those events from the individuals associated with them.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for example when Tom violated my orders about the Monean Waterworld, I was upset that he had violated the Prime Directive. I knew that his solution was the best even if the Moneans did not want to accept it. I agreed with Tom but had to walk away from the Moneans – until Tom made me take action against him. I blamed Tom for making me face that fact that I agreed that breaking the Prime Directive was the right thing to do. Every time I called him Ensign, I was reminded that I had wanted to break the Prime Directive. It was the Moneans’ shortsightedness that was at the core of my feelings, not Tom, but it took me a long time to separate Tom from those events. That was really important. Then there was one passage, again from Earth, that really brought the others together for me and made me realize that most of my feelings of isolation were just me feeling sorry for myself.”

“Really?  Which one?”

“The passage about Gethsemane. By the time I got to it, I was being a lot more honest with myself. The first time I read it, it seemed out of place with the others. It didn’t immediately make me think or feel anything in particular – just a person who didn’t particularly care for what he knew was going to happen. It didn’t seem to fit in with the other passages so I read it again because I was curious why you had included it. I even did some outside reading to give me the whole story. Then I read the passage you gave me again and I finally realized how truly alone and abandoned that man felt in that garden. He knew his best friend was going to deny even knowing him, not once but three times. He knew another trusted friend was going to turn him over to the police for a handful of silver; and he knew he would die a criminal even though he had committed no crime. Everyone and everything he knew and loved had turned their backs on him. After I read about this man, I knew that as often as I felt despair at being alone that I could only imagine his feelings and despair.” Kathryn paused a few seconds before continuing.

“That was the passage that finally made me cry – for the man in his grief and for myself because of all the things I had missed because I had been so self-centered that I couldn’t see all the things I did have. I only saw what I was missing and what I thought I needed. I refused to see everything that I did have. I turned my back on friendships because the people were under my command. I have a wonderful, loyal crew; a safe, strong, fast ship that has become home for all of us; friends who care about me even when I pull away; and a purpose to my life. Most of all, I have you.” Kathryn had been talking to her empty mug for the last few minutes but she finally raised her eyes to Chakotay’s. “I love you and need you. Do I still have you? All of you?”

Chakotay moved closer and gathered her in his arms as her tears finally flowed freely.

“You’ve always had all of me, Kathryn. You always will.”

The morning stars found Chakotay stroking Kathryn’s hair as she slept peacefully by his side and wondering at the effect of one passage nearly 2500 years old and the impulse that had prompted him to include it almost as an afterthought because of a comment made years earlier by an old Bajoran mystic studying Earth’s religions. Holding Kathryn in his arms, he accepted the gift sent by the prophets and gods.