by Dakota

Chakotay walked down the corridor of the apartment complex searching for the correct number. It seemed strange to pass people in civilian clothes and even stranger to be wearing them. The first civilian he had encountered in the building reception area had nearly received a reprimand for not saluting him. He shook his head – it had been a long two years on the outskirts of Federation space.

Two years. Had it been two years already? While he was there the time had dragged but looking back, it seemed only days ago that Voyager had broken out of the transwarp corridor near Earth. Two years of listening to two races snap and snarl at each other as they competed for trade agreements with the Federation and argued about claims to the asteroids in their system that were the sole source of the minerals the Federation needed. They were as greedy as any Ferengi but not nearly as mature. Chakotay nearly laughed at the idea that the Ferengi could serve as a role model for another species but was stopped by the reality of having dealt with those species. All the diplomatic tricks and guidelines had been useless. He had finally inserted into the Federation's standard contract a clause that anything that increased the risk to Federation personnel or property reduced the price paid for minerals regardless of the nature of the risk or the source. This meant that if they started fighting between themselves, they both received lower prices. The first time they lost 50% of their price because of the clause, they protested. There was no second time.

Two years ago, he had accepted a two-year enlistment from Starfleet hoping to be assigned duty that would enable him to see Kathryn on a regular basis only to find she had taken early retirement and a civilian job doing research and development. At the time, he hadn't spoken to her since they reached Earth. At first Starfleet had kept Voyager's senior officers separated while they were debriefed. Then he was held for hearings regarding his activities in the Maquis. The war with the Dominion had changed the Federation's mind about the Maquis and those charges were never even filed but he had a lot of questions to answer. Bureaucrats!

Chakotay stopped as he found the apartment he was seeking. He hadn't told her he was coming. He had just shown up in the reception area asking to see her. She had given the security guard instructions to send him up. He stared a full minute at the number on the door before he reached out to signal he was there. Then he waited.

Kathryn heard the buzzer at her door. He moved too fast. She had had only a few minutes to assimilate the fact that Chakotay was on his way to visit her. Two years had passed since she had seen him. No conversations, no letters, no communication of any type. Once she had dreams of her life when they returned but the words the admiral spoke had made her reluctant to speak, then he was gone without a word. Now he was here with no warning. She finally moved to the door. Nothing. She looked down the corridor and saw him moving slowly away.

"Chakotay!"

He turned and met her eyes. He had thought she had changed her mind. He turned and made his way back down the hall to her apartment. She met his eyes once and he saw the questions and uncertainty she felt and knew that his eyes mirrored those same emotions.

"Please, come in. Sit down. Can I get you something to drink?"

Social niceties got them both through the next five minutes. Sincere interest in a friend's life got them both through the next forty-five minutes as they recounted what they had been doing professionally for the last two years. Eventually that friendship let them regain some of what they had left behind on Voyager.

"Kathryn, you haven't asked me why I came."

"I'm not sure I want to know."

"Then why did you open the door?"

"I don't know. Are you sure you want to have this discussion?"

"I'm sure I don't, but I also know if I don't I'll always regret it and wonder about what might have been."

"Maybe that's why I opened the door. It's as good a reason as any."

"Are there any other reasons?"

"I was afraid – afraid that nothing had changed between us, or maybe afraid that too much had changed. It's been more than two years, seven hundred forty-six days, since I saw you."

"You kept count?"

"At first it was just that -- counting the days we were apart, then it became a habit. The people at work know I'm counting days but not why. I haven't been sure why for a long time. Why did you sign up for another tour of duty?"

"I was hoping to be assigned somewhere near you, maybe even the same ship or base. I didn't have much time and I didn't know where you were so I signed up. Then I found out you had taken early retirement and found a job in research and development. I didn't know what to think so when they offered me an assignment on a Starbase, I accepted it. I have two weeks leave before I have to tell Starfleet whether I'm staying in or retiring. Can you believe it? I have enough years in to retire."

"I had enough to retire two years ago so it doesn't surprise me. You probably did then, too, didn't you?"

"True, but I wasn’t thinking of retirement then."

"Now?"

"Starfleet was always my dream and what I wanted to do. The Maquis was something I had to do. Now? Well, I have no reason to give up my dream – at least I don't think I do. Why did you leave Starfleet? That was always your dream, too."

"It was my dream. I loved the adventure, the risk, and the chance to study things first hand. But seven years of nothing but the dream taught me a lot about myself and the relative value of things I took for granted. My dream changed and I retired from Starfleet hoping to recapture it."

They were both dancing around each other and they both knew it. They stared at each other for a moment each hoping the other would speak first. Finally, Kathryn spoke but to avoid the real issue. "Look, it's getting late and I haven't eaten yet. Did you have dinner?"

"Well, I had a sandwich at the officer's mess at HQ a few hours ago."

"That's not dinner. Would you join me? I promise to use someone else's program, ok?"

Her reference to her cooking brought the first real smiles of the evening to their faces.

"I'd love to join you for dinner, Kathryn. Could I help?"

"Sure, go through the available wine list and pick out one. I haven't used it much and tonight I feel like celebrating."

"What exactly are we celebrating?"

"How about Voyager's return?" She held up her hand to cut off his comments. "I know, I know. It's a little late but we never had a chance to celebrate our return – not together anyway."

"I guess it is time we celebrated getting home. What are we having to eat?"

"Well, I was going to have soup but I think I'll make it vegetable stew."

Their conversation while they ate turned to 'remember when' tales from their years on Voyager. A few were sad, but most were of happy times. After they finished, they cleared their dishes and took the last glasses of their wine back to the couch. Kathryn sat staring at her glass.

"What do you see?"

"I see us, smiling at each other."

"Any particular time?"

"No. It could be any of a thousand times for any of a thousand reasons."

"You sound sad."

"I guess I am. Sad that those days are behind us."

"They don't have to be behind us. We were friends for nearly seven years on Voyager. That doesn't have to change."

"But I've changed, Chakotay. I see us wearing uniforms and I left that behind two years ago.  You're still in the uniform though. Why aren't you sure about retiring?"

"I guess I need a reason to become a civilian again. I went to the Academy when I was only fifteen. I've been in Starfleet all my life except when I was part of the Maquis and I have no desire to turn renegade again. The few relatives I have are scattered and we're not so close that I'd care to move in next door to them. I guess I don't know how to be a civilian."

"I could teach you. If I can learn how to be a civilian so can you."

"Is that just an offer to help me adjust… or an invitation for something more?"

"It's definitely an offer."  A mask fell over Chakotay's face at her words. Kathryn knew she would never get another chance. "But it's also an invitation. You didn't ask me why I resigned from Starfleet instead of asking for a research assignment."

"I didn't think it was any of my business."

"It is your business. I didn't want Starfleet ordering me off on assignments or missions that would keep me away from where I wanted to be."

"Where was that?"

"Wherever you were. Ironic isn't it? You stayed in Starfleet to be closer to me and I retired to be closer to you." Kathryn stood and walked over to the sliding doors that led to her balcony. "Both of us can command a ship and the respect of a crew. We can both make life and death decisions on a daily basis. We can negotiate trade agreements and peace treaties. We can even keep one step ahead of Tom Paris and read emotions on the face of a stoic Vulcan."

"But neither of us has the courage to tell the other the truth about our feelings. We are a sad pair, Kathryn." Chakotay rose and joined her at the window.

"I'm scared, Chakotay, really scared right now. Scared that I'll say the wrong thing, or the right thing in the wrong way, yet again."

"I'm afraid I'll say the right thing, the truth, but it won't be what you want to hear."

"Try me."

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway. I have for a long time. I'd like a chance to see if we can build a life together."

Kathryn moved in front of Chakotay and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Hold me, just hold me."

He needed no further encouragement to pull her close in his arms. Eventually he broke the silence. "You never explained why you were extending that invitation or what exactly it was."

"I issued you that invitation because I love you. As for what kind of invitation it was, well, it was for whatever it needed to be to get you to stay close enough to be part of my life."

"How close did you have in mind?"

"Well, when I issued it, I would have been happy if you were in the system. Now? Well, let's say you won't need to find housing when you retire, ok?"

Chakotay wrapped his arm around her shoulder and led her back to the couch. He picked up their wine glasses and handed one to her.

"A toast – to old friends, old loves and a new life… together."