by Dakota

Captain's Personal Log: Stardate 52574.1

"It has been an eventful few months. Our recent attempt to restock supplies was unsuccessful. While that effort was not the cause, it certainly marks when things started to change on Voyager. At first, the changes were minor and barely noticeable, but they spread and soon it seemed as if the entire ship were affected.

"I have to admit that I was at least a catalyst, if not the cause, and if I had resisted, things might not have spread so quickly or affected so many of the crew. But I can't say I'm sorry.

"It actually didn't take much to get things started. It seemed such a little thing at the time. I admitted to myself, and then to Chakotay, that the time we spent together was as much personal as professional. When we were off duty, he stood closer to me than before. We exchanged kisses before he returned to his quarters after dinner. As I said, they were little things. But the crew picked up on them and on our more familiar manner with each other. Soon they were all allowing themselves to have more in their personal lives.

"For some that meant sitting around longer in the mess hall talking after they went off duty. For others, it meant they devoted more time to sports or arts. The holodeck was used just as much but there were more groups sharing the time and going to new places. They rewrote holonovels so half a dozen people could share them at the same time. I think the museums and art galleries of a dozen worlds were explored at length.

"Some of the crew began dating, for lack of a better word. Others settled into more lasting relationships. Eventually a couple asked permission to get married. I told them I needed to consider their request. The look on their faces was almost enough to convince me to agree then and there – almost. I discussed the ramifications of marriages among the crew at great length with Chakotay. In the end, we found no valid reason to deny them permission. We did decide that we preferred they keep the wedding small and arrange for their closest friends to celebrate with them during their off duty hours. Chakotay promised to do what he could with the duty roster to make that possible.

"After the first wedding, there was what felt like a mad dash to the altar as five other couples approached us with similar requests. For a few days, Chakotay struggled with the duty roster to give all the couples a few days off and I feared that within a few months my entire crew would be happily married and planning families. My fears were unfounded, however, and the requests to get married dropped off to what I considered a more reasonable rate.

"One of my greatest fears had been that the changes in the crew's personal lives would adversely impact their duties on the ship. Those fears were completely unfounded. The few changes that I noted were primarily improvements in efficiency. Crew morale, not surprisingly, increased and the number of days lost because of illness actually decreased.

"As the weeks passed and things continued to go smoothly, I allowed myself to slowly become more involved with Chakotay. The crew hasn't batted an eye even though we've now been sharing quarters for nearly a month. I have to admit, these have been the happiest weeks I can remember.

"Perhaps the greatest change is that I no longer prowl the lower decks of my ship in the middle of Gamma Shift, not that there are many members of the crew who would notice my absence from the corridors of the lower decks. Every once in a while, Chakotay and I get up to wander the corridors together, much as we did when he would seek me out for the sole purpose of making me rest. He no longer has to urge me to return to my quarters; the promise in his eyes combined with that smile is all the motivation I need. Who am I kidding? That smile of his was almost enough before I admitted my feelings for him.

"Chakotay's smile has always been something that brightened my day. It meant many things over the years from simple friendship to a shared secret. It encouraged me when I had to make difficult decisions and assured me of complete forgiveness when I pushed someone or something too far. A few times that smile told me I had disappointed him, let him down. Fortunately, that has happened only a few times. Even when I hurt him, that smile was there telling me he would still be there offering his full support. Lately, there is contentment in that smile and I suspect others see more than a bit of possessiveness in those dimples.

"For all that his smile tells me and as much as I take pleasure in seeing it, it is Chakotay's eyes that tell me the most. When he looks at me, I look into his heart and see the love he feels for me. He assures me that I am merely seeing in his eyes what is shining in my own. Perhaps he's right. I love him. I have no words to describe the depth of my emotions. It might sound strange but I know his love is stronger. Not the strength that measures the degree of love, but the nature of the love. My love for him makes me wary of losing his love while his love for me gives him confidence in my love. I envy him that strength even though I know it's more a reflection of our differences than of our love for each other.

"Out here, so far from what we still call home, the future is uncertain for all of us. Chakotay and I live each day fully and plan for our future even as we make sure our ship is ready to withstand anything nature puts in our path or challenges presented by new species we might encounter. For so many years, I resisted allowing myself to have a personal life and now that I have, all my reasons seem foolish. The entire crew has learned to live each day to its fullest and we're a better ship, a happier ship, because of it.

"In a few days, the ship will celebrate another wedding. Tom and B'Elanna have decided to get married. Chakotay and I can't decide who caught whom or if they both ran slowly enough to get caught. All I know is that they both seem happy. Chakotay and I discussed it and decided that for once we'd allow a large reception while keeping only a skeleton crew at critical stations for a few hours.

"Since the afternoon that Tom and B'Elanna told us they wanted to get married, Chakotay has been watching me from time to time. I can only describe his look as contemplative. He hasn't said what he's thinking but I think I know. I fully expect him to suggest we marry. I hope he waits until after Tom and B'Elanna are married for my answer will not be the one he wants, even if it is the one he expects. I know he will accept whatever I say but I dread having to answer that question for I know I will hurt him. I hope I can find the words to explain that I love him and my answer is 'not now' rather than 'never.'  I almost wish he would yell at me but he won't. He will tell me that I am being foolish or making excuses, perhaps even just plain afraid, but it will be a simple statement of fact, not a criticism. He will end up comforting me for disappointing him. In a few months, I am certain I will find the wisdom or courage or whatever you want to call it to marry him. As much as I sometimes wish I didn't make things so difficult for us both, I wouldn't change what we have. I guess it's the nature of our love.

Captain's Personal Log: Stardate 52589.7

"A lot has happened since Tom and B'Elanna were married. Our new drive is slowly destroying my ship and my crew. Twenty-three of the crew are dead and more are in sickbay. The doctor is not hopeful about finding a treatment. Our investigation into the cause has led us to a conclusion that is difficult for me to accept but I cannot escape the fact that it explains what is happening. My ship and my crew are the duplicates left behind by the original Voyager on the Y-class planet several months ago.

"We have identified the cause but now we must find a cure. Our most likely hope is to find a Y-class planet and there isn't a single one within scanning range. We've identified a few distant stars that are likely candidates to have one in orbit but I don't think we will have time to reach them.

"A Demon planet has now become my personal demon. Some perverted part of my humor wonders if that makes us all demons. At least I have been spared that witticism on the bridge. Gallows humor and irony – I am hiding my pain and fear. B'Elanna was among the first affected, probably because of the time she spent in engineering. She died yesterday and Tom is devastated. He's back at his station but the light has gone out in him. Tom's presence at the helm unnerved me today. I reached out my hand for Chakotay's. It was there, strong and firm, giving me strength.
 

Captain's Personal Log: Stardate 52589.8

"Chakotay died a little while ago. I was on the bridge. I had spoken with him about an hour earlier and he understood why I couldn't stay with him. That is… was… the nature of his love. He never expected anything of me I could not give – even the time to hold his hand while he died. My excuse was that I had to fulfill my responsibilities to the ship and crew but I know it was because I was afraid and didn't have the strength to watch him die. I did kiss him and tell him I loved him. At least I managed to do that one last time.

"I miss him, yet I feel as if he's behind me waiting for me to turn and look at him. Perhaps he is -- waiting for me, that is. I seem to have kept him waiting since we met. He won't have to wait long for me this time. Voyager won't hold together much longer but we'll be lucky to live long enough to experience her final moments. At least he knew I loved him. For that much I am thankful.

"I know Chakotay and I only existed a matter of months, but my memories are of years even if they are part of another person's life. I share a past with another Kathryn and I know what she knew when I came into existence. I have loved Chakotay for much longer than the months of our separate existence and I will be forever grateful that something made me take the first step that allowed us to acknowledge our feelings.

"I've made a decision that some might question. I managed to find a small transmitter and homing device that we acquired in trade about two months ago. It has very little memory but it is enough for my purposes. When I finish this, I will download my logs of the last few months in the hope that the original Voyager will find them. We've sent out a distress signal but have received no answer. I will send another that includes a reference to this device. I hope that perhaps Kathryn can learn from me as I once learned from her and that her crew can find the same happiness my crew found. If she ever finds half the happiness I found with Chakotay, she will be truly fortunate.

Chakotay watched Kathryn's face as the message ended. There was no way she could have known the contents of the message when she ordered it to the main screen. He had seen her face pale when she realized what it contained. A small smile had appeared briefly in the first minutes but then she had slapped her command expression firmly in place.

His eyes had been forced back to the screen as the woman he knew so well -- yet had never met -- described her life. It was Kathryn, yet it wasn’t. He listened as she described her life with him and his death. He heard the joy in her voice and saw the sorrow in her eyes.

The image on the viewer faded and was replaced by a star field. Kathryn stood.

"Resume course." Her voice was low but calm. "You have the bridge, Commander."

Chakotay expected Kathryn to go to her ready room, but she headed for the turbolift. It was several hours until his shift ended and he couldn't seek her out to discuss the message until he was relieved. Chakotay recognized her departure for what it was – an attempt to delay the inevitable conversation. He put a few people to work analyzing the scans they had made of the area and had some others go over the logs and the message they had received that alerted them to search in the area.

A few hours later, Chakotay was surprised that the door to the captain's quarters opened when he stepped into range of its scanners. Kathryn looked up as he walked in.

"I was wondering how soon you would get here." She motioned toward the replicator. "Help yourself."

Chakotay went to the replicator and requested hot tea and another cup of coffee for Kathryn. He sat next to her on her couch.

"I know I'm the one who came here to talk, but I'm darned if I know where to start."

"Start with what we know about the source of that message. Were you able to learn more than what she told us?"

"Not much. Everything is consistent with them being the duplicates we left on that Demon Planet a few months ago."

"Well, we all know how much like us the duplicates are." Kathryn sighed. "What did you tell the bridge crew about keeping the contents of that message to themselves?"

"Nothing. If we try to keep it quiet, it will just spread in bits and pieces. It's available for the crew to view if they want. I don't think it will get out of hand. Tom seemed pretty shaken and I imagine B'Elanna was, too."

Kathryn smiled wryly. "What shook Tom up the most – learning that the other B'Elanna had died or that his other self had gotten married?"

"I'm not sure. He and B'Elanna are going to have a few things to discuss tonight." Chakotay smiled. "They're not the only ones, are they?"

"No." Kathryn sat and stared at her coffee cup for a long time. "It was unnerving, hearing myself tell me how I felt. It would have been hard enough in private, but to watch that other Kathryn on the screen and to hear her telling the entire bridge things I hadn't even admitted to myself was embarrassing."

Chakotay wasn't sure how to respond but Kathryn didn't seem to expect him to answer. He gave her time.

"You deserved to hear those things from me." Kathryn turned to look at Chakotay. "You deserved honesty."

Chakotay started to speak but Kathryn cut him off. "No, don't say you understand. That is one of your most endearing traits… and one of your most irritating." As Chakotay opened his mouth again, Kathryn glared at him. "And don't you dare apologize for that either."

Chakotay smiled. "Does this mean the other Kathryn was right about your feelings for me?"

Kathryn met his eyes firmly but her voice wavered. "Yes. I do love you."

"And I love you." They both sighed as if a great burden had been removed then laughed when they realized what they had done.

"What do we tell the crew?"

"It's your decision, Kathryn. I had a lot of time to think about that message while I was on the bridge. It's all from one person – your duplicate. Other than deciding to get married, Tom and B'Elanna being together is the same. I'm the only other person mentioned by name. No one knows how much of what she said is true for you – except you and me. I only know because she also described how my duplicate felt.

"If you want, I will support you by saying that something must have happened between the time we left the Demon Planet and the time they left that affected their memories. They managed to construct a ship and develop a new propulsion system and in the process forgot they were the duplicates. Their memories were clearly incomplete and inaccurate, and whatever caused that must also be responsible for the other differences."

"Lie to the crew?" Kathryn seemed surprised that Chakotay had suggested it.

"It's a theory. The only lie would be how we really feel and that's none of their business anyway."

"Why are you making this easy for me?" Kathryn seemed suspicious.

"I love you." Chakotay paused and smile. "I should warn you. I might be willing to keep how you feel from the crew but I'm not going to forget. I'm going to keep reminding you what we both know. I liked the sound of holding hands and sharing a few kisses after dinner."

"So did I." Kathryn watched his face where Chakotay's surprise was readily apparent. "You look surprised."

"I am. That's one comment I didn't expect."

"I did a lot of thinking this afternoon, too. Only I was thinking about what I wanted to do now that my heart has been posted on my sleeve." Kathryn sighed. "Unless you have an objection, I'd like to leave it there."

Chakotay stood and pulled Kathryn to her feet and into his arms. The first kiss was tentative as they explored new territory. The second was more confident as they became comfortable with expressing long hidden emotions. The third was downright sensual as Chakotay pulled Kathryn even closer and her arms crept around his neck. The third kiss finally ended and Kathryn pressed her head against his chest while he brushed his lips over her hair whispering. "We have to eat in the mess hall tonight. The crew needs to know you're all right after hearing that message from your duplicate."

"I know. There's no time like the present." Kathryn took a small step back and straightened her shoulders before smiling up at Chakotay. "We're coming back here for dessert and coffee though."

"My pleasure." Chakotay held out his arm to escort Kathryn to the mess hall but she pushed his arm down and clasped his hand firmly. It was a little thing, but it would tell the crew all they needed to know.