by Dakota

Chakotay stood in the boarding area of shuttle terminal watching as colonists boarded the shuttle that would take them to their ship. The group was heading to New Earth – or the planet Chakotay thought of as New Earth. They were the first group to take advantage of the recently perfected slipstream technology. A Federation research ship was taking the small group to the Delta Quadrant before continuing on with their assignment in the Delta Quadrant. A supply ship would bring more colonists in a few years but they were not expecting to have ships making the run regularly for at least five years. The slipstream technology might be available but Starfleet was still rebuilding after the war with the Dominion and many of the ships still in service were not suitable to adapt for the new technology and there were higher priorities than colonization for the ships that were being upgraded.

Chakotay turned his attention back to the colonists. The last of this group were now boarding. Most were young couples but there were a few older people in the group. While he didn't know any of the people who had boarded this shuttle very well, he had met all of the colonists during the last few weeks. They had made sure of that. For some reason they all seemed to think it was wonderful that he had 'volunteered' to be the donor of the blood samples that had led to both a cure and a vaccine against the virus that had nearly stranded him and Kathryn on New Earth. He had tried to explain that the doctors at Starfleet medical had just kept taking blood for samples without any explanation for weeks after Voyager returned but they refused to accept that explanation.

Since Voyager returned. Chakotay smiled to himself as he shook his head. It had only been a little over a year since Voyager returned to the Alpha Quadrant and here he was, heading back to the Delta Quadrant. He looked down at his uniform and gently fingered the rank insignia at his collar. Both were still unfamiliar, the colors had changed on the uniform and his old rank bar had been replaced by four pips. He would never have believed that he would spend all those years trying to reach Federation space only to turn around and go back to the Delta Quadrant on the first ship headed in that direction.

The Federation Council wanted a presence in the Delta Quadrant, even if it were only a small Starfleet one. The colonists needed a resident 'expert' on their new planet and region of space. Chakotay had been extremely surprised when Starfleet had approached him about filling both positions. His first reaction had been to turn it down, but he had agreed to consider it and a few days later knew he would accept it. Things had moved very quickly in the six weeks since he had accepted the assignment. Although he had a long list of duties for the Federation, from a practical point he was mostly a colonist with a little paperwork to do in the evenings. Unlike all the civilians, Chakotay, as a member of Starfleet, had been given access to the ship almost a week before their departure and had transferred all his things to his quarters several days before they started boarding.

Chakotay moved to a bench along the wall and watched as the next group of colonists started trickling in to catch the shuttle that had just moved into position for boarding. Friends and family accompanied most of them to say a final good-bye since it would be many years before they saw each other again, if ever. 

Chakotay glanced down at the padd he carried. For reasons he couldn't have explained, he had not told any of Voyager's crew that he had accepted this assignment. He had written long letters to Tom and B'Elanna, Harry, Ayala and a handful of others explaining his decision and apologizing for not telling them before he left. He hoped they would understand that he just didn't think he could say goodbye to so many. He planned to send the letters just before the ship left Earth orbit, but he was still struggling to finish the last letter – to Kathryn. He was struggling to find the words to explain to Kathryn why he was going back to New Earth. 

Chakotay allowed his thoughts to wander back to the months he had spent on New Earth. He had been happy there even though the circumstances had not been of his choosing. Kathryn had been happy most of the time but never contented.  He still wondered whether she would have eventually accepted their situation if Voyager had not returned.

Chakotay turned his attention back to the padd and his incomplete letter to Kathryn. There were so many things he wanted to tell her but wasn’t sure she wanted to hear. What he had managed to write was cold and distant, not at all the way he wanted the letter to sound but he hadn't been able to find the right words. A hand touched his shoulder.

"You weren't going to say goodbye."

Chakotay jerked his head around to see Kathryn standing beside the bench. Guilt rushed through him as he realized that she had learned of his plans before he could tell her. "How did you find out?"

"I heard about the plans for the colony and was surprised to learn they had found someone to go along who was familiar with the planet. I believe the word they use is 'expert'."

"Compared to the others, I guess I am."

"I know."  Kathryn paused. "May I sit down?"

Chakotay was on his feet in an instant taking a step aside to make room for Kathryn where he had been sitting. "Of course. I'm sorry.  Please sit down."

Kathryn sat down and Chakotay sat next to her. Both were silent not knowing what to say next. Finally Kathryn spoke. "Why are you leaving?"

"I was just writing you a letter, Kathryn, trying to explain all that." Chakotay was struggling to find the words that he had not been able to write. His voice was analytical as he spoke. "It's an assignment. Starfleet needs someone and I'm the best person for that position, present company excepted."

"I didn't mean it quite that way. We worked together for so many years to get back to the Alpha Quadrant and now you're going almost all the way to the Caretaker's array. Why?"

"There's no reason not to go, Kathryn, and no reason to stay here."  Chakotay was staring at his hands folded on his lap and did not see the flash of pain that crossed Kathryn's face. "I was happy there once. It's a good planet. I'm hoping I will finally find some peace there."

"You told me once you had found peace." 

"I told you I had found the meaning of peace." Chakotay glanced at Kathryn trying to read her expression.

"I don’t understand." Kathryn's voice was puzzled.

"I found the meaning of peace but the peace always eluded me. You were my peace, Kathryn, but you never seemed to realize that." Chakotay kept his eyes on her while he spoke still trying to read her expression.

"Then how can you be happy there?"

"I was happy there once before. Those are the memories I will have – the good ones, before the Borg and Equinox and all the things that came between us later. I can't go back to that time but I can go back to that place. I might not be as happy as I was but there are no sad memories to haunt me there.

"You'll be alone among strangers." Neither seemed to find her words unusual even though nearly sixty people would be going with Chakotay.

"I've been alone since we left New Earth all those years ago."

"I didn't realize you felt that way." Kathryn's voice was soft and sad as she realized the extent of the pain Chakotay had carried all those years. "You said you'd always be by my side and that I'd never be alone."

"I kept my promise, didn't I?"

"You were always there when I needed you so why do you say you were alone?"

"I was by your side, but can you honestly say you were always by mine?" Chakotay's words were soft and his tone gentle but the words had to have hurt her.

Kathryn slowly shook her head. "No, I don't think I can."

"Kathryn, it's all right. I don't mean to sound recriminatory. You never made any promises and I never expected any." Chakotay paused before returning to an earlier comment. "The memories from New Earth are the good ones. I'll be fine."

"I won't." Kathryn's voice was a whispered croak.

"You will. Your family is here. Starfleet is pleased with you. I heard they had even offered you a research assignment in the Gamma Quadrant."

"I turned that down."

"Now that surprises me. You haven't managed to surprise me for a very long time."

"You haven't asked why I won't be fine."

"Because I know you will be. You're a survivor if nothing else. All you have to do is decide what you want, and then make it happen."

"I don't want you to leave."

"That's not what I meant and we both know it." Chakotay sounded slightly irritated at her intentional misinterpretation.

"It's still true." Kathryn's voice was firm but soft.

Chakotay waited for Kathryn to continue but she remained silent forcing him to pick up the conversation.  "All right, I'll ask. Why, Kathryn? Why don't you want me to go back to New Earth?"

"That was our place." Regret tinged Kathryn's words.

"It will always be our place. Nothing is going to change that."

"It will change as soon as you and the others arrive." Kathryn was trying to make Chakotay understand.

"Then come with me." Chakotay offered the only solution he could knowing he was once again setting himself up to be turned away one final time.

"What?"

"Come with me. If you don't want me to be there without you, come with me."

"You're serious, aren't you? About me coming with you, I mean."

"Yes, I am." Chakotay waited a moment for her to answer before he continued. "Well, you have an open invitation to visit at any time for as long as you want or to join me at any time if you change your mind."

"I can't do that!" Kathryn was definite in her intitial reaction, but her voice was thoughtful and questioning when she finished. "Can I?"

Chakotay stood and turned to face Kathryn. Her voice had conveyed enough to get his hopes up. His voice was gentle and firm but conveyed a note of finality to his words. "I love you. I've loved you for a very long time. If you love me, come with me. All you have to do is meet me here tomorrow morning at 08:30. The last shuttle departs for the ship at 08:45 and we leave orbit at 09:00."

"You can't just add another person to the colony like that."

"No, not to the colony, but I'm also the Federation representative on the planet and everything for that position includes sufficient room for my family."

"You expect me to walk away from my family and career just like that?" Kathryn fell back on her only defense.

"No, Kathryn. I don't expect anything from you." Chakotay's voice was resigned as her last question dashed the glimmer of hope that she might actually be considering going with him or at least joining him in a few years. "I'm just giving you an option and telling you you're always welcome in my life and my home permanently or just to visit."

Kathryn grieved as she realized that once again she had hurt Chakotay. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I just can't do that." Her whisper barely carried to his ears.

He pulled her to her feet and hugged her tight. "If you change your mind, 08:30 tomorrow."

Kathryn watched Chakotay as he walked away down the terminal and disappeared through an exit.

"Wait!" Kathryn dashed across the terminal dragging one carryall behind her only to reach the window in time to see the shuttle lift off the pad and head for its scheduled rendezvous with the larger ship.  She leaned her head against the window pounding it weakly; her voice was soft as the tears started trickling down her face. "Don't leave me."

Kathryn had tossed and turned until the wee hours of the morning when she finally admitted to herself exactly how she felt about Chakotay. Once she acknowledged her feelings, it hadn't taken her long to make her decision. She had scratched a quick resignation to Starfleet and sent it to headquarters before she started packing.

She thought she had allowed enough time but the decades of moving through the terminals and security checks as an officer had caused her to underestimate the time those checks took for civilians with no preclearance papers. Her only regret was that she hadn't held onto that resignation a few more hours and sent it in from the colony ship.

Kathryn allowed herself only a moment before she took a deep breath. She had fifteen minutes to find someone in Starfleet who could get her to that ship before it left orbit. She was turning back toward the main entrance when someone stepped in front of her.

"Hello, Kathryn."

"Chakotay? Why aren't you on that shuttle?"

Chakotay ignored her question and pulled her into his arms and just held her. "I spent the night hoping you would change your mind but I didn't hear from you. I had to stay just in case you were late."

"How were you going to get to the ship?"

"The same way we will now – transporter." When Kathryn glared at him for stating the obvious, he reminded her. "I'm still 'fleet remember? I use the transporters on the ship. I only came down this morning to meet you – if you came. Now, where are your things?"

"Over there." Kathryn pointed to her bag a few feet away.

Chakotay motioned to an ensign standing nearby. "Have this transported to my quarters on the Sunstream immediately, Ensign."

"Aye, sir."

The ensign moved off with the bag while Chakotay turned to Kathryn and held out his hand. "Ready to go?"

Kathryn took a deep breath, then smiled and nodded her head. "I’m ready." She clasped his hand firmly. "Let's go home."

Chakotay slapped his comm badge with his free hand. "Chakotay to Sunstream."

"Sunstream here, Captain."

"Two to beam up."

"Acknowledged, sir."

Chakotay tugged Kathryn closer to his side.

"Energize." While they waited for the order to be relayed, he turned to Kathryn. "You haven't said why you changed your mind."

"I love you."

Chakotay caught her words and smiled as the tingle of the transporter started them on their journey home.