Kathryn stood at the door to Chakotay’s quarters waiting for a response to her signal. She was nearly ready to signal again when the door opened. She glanced around expecting to find him near the door to greet her but instead saw him staring out the viewport on the other side of the room. Unsure of his mood she crossed the room to stand near him.

“Commander, I just came to thank you for a job well done. Your efforts to communicate with the aliens made it possible for Voyager to escape chaotic space. You found out how to modify the deflector so we could navigate. I’ve placed a commendation in your file for volunteering to . . .”

Chakotay reacted at that. He turned away from the viewport and took a step closer so she had to tilt her head to meet his eyes. Those eyes were dark with emotion.

“Volunteer! I did NOT volunteer for anything and you didn’t have the nerve to order me to do anything. ‘Do it for me.’ That’s what you said, Kathryn. That wasn’t the captain asking, that was Kathryn!”

Kathryn was startled at the anger in Chakotay’s voice. Chakotay had never spoken like this to her. Oh, she had seen him angry with the captain, but never had this kind of anger been directed at her personally.

“You used me, Kathryn! You used me. You used what I feel for you! You walked away from me; you walked away from the love I offered; you ignored me and my feelings until even I almost thought they didn’t exist. Then when you wanted me to do something that you didn’t have the courage to make an order, you used my feelings to get what you want. ‘Do it for me.’ You weren’t even sure what you were asking had a chance to work. You wanted me to risk everything I am, everything I might be on the chance that maybe, just maybe, it would help. Then you come in here and have the nerve to thank me for ‘volunteering!’

“You have become one mean, manipulative, selfish bitch, Kathryn!” Chakotay paused before turning back to the viewport. When he spoke again, his voice sounded weary and was filled with resignation and carried a cold calm that frightened Kathryn far more than his anger.

“I love you anyway, Kathryn. In spite of everything you’ve done, I still love you and probably always will. But I don’t like you; I don’t like the person you’ve become. Please, just leave. I don’t want to talk to you right now. I’ll adjust the duty roster so we’re on different shifts.” The set of his shoulders told Kathryn that he had nothing more to say. Kathryn stood for a moment letting the emotions he sparked flow through her. Finally she turned and left, leaving the man who had been her best friend staring out at the stars as if she did not exist.

Six weeks later Kathryn stood at the door to Chakotay’s quarters waiting for a response to her signal. While she waited, she thought back over the events that had once again brought her to his door. He had indeed changed the duty roster making sure they never crossed paths on the bridge or in the mess hall. He also managed not to be at any ship gathering when she was and if circumstances placed them in the same room, he made sure they were at opposite ends until he had an opportunity to leave. The only time they spoke was in briefings for the senior staff during which he remained silent unless he was required to contribute to the discussion. Then he was as friendly and calm as ever showing no anger and giving no hint that anything was wrong. But Kathryn knew there was something wrong and noticed the one thing no one else noticed. Chakotay never spoke to Kathryn; he spoke only to the captain. Gone were the exchanged glances and shared smiles. There was no light banter on the bridge, no shared anecdotes over breakfast and no late night outings to raid the kitchen.

Initially Kathryn didn’t think the crew would notice but she knew now that they had; it had just taken a while for them to be affected by the change in the relationship of the command team. The friendship and camaraderie the command team had once shared was missing. But they had shared it with every person on board. Slowly the absence of sharing and caring spread throughout the ship. Voyager’s crew still carried out their duties with skill and dedication but they approached new challenges as an obstacle to be overcome with determination rather than a challenge to be enjoyed or a victory to be shared. Slowly the light-hearted banter in all the departments disappeared to be replaced by nothing. Conflicts between individuals did not increase. If anything, they decreased almost as if no one could be bothered to argue. Where once Voyager’s crew had been involved in every aspect of the ship and shared their lives, now they focused only on their own responsibilities.

Tom and Harry noticed the change on the bridge almost immediately but decided that it was just another squabble between the captain and first officer, and that it would blow over like all the others. Not until four weeks after the squabble had taken place when B'Elanna had mentioned the apathy in Engineering did they realize that more than just the bridge crew were being affected. They discussed it off and on among themselves for more than a week before they finally sought out Tuvok. Kathryn never did find out any details from that meeting, but did know that it resulted in Tuvok asking to see the captain and first officer and confronting them in the Ready Room. Tuvok had made Kathryn see that something had to be done. When Tuvok left the Ready Room, Chakotay had taken the initiative. Kathryn was relieved until she heard his words.

“Captain, if you have a problem with the way I have performed my duties, I am certain you will let me know. If you need to find another first officer, I will accept your decision. If you want to discuss my personal life, I tell you outright that it is none of your business. Now, if you will excuse me.” Turning on his heel he left the Ready Room to cross the bridge and return to his quarters. Chakotay did not look back nor did Kathryn try to stop him. His words brought home to Kathryn more than anything else just how far their relationship had deteriorated. She sat down at her desk to reflect on her part in the fiasco.

Chakotay returned to his quarters and changed out of his uniform. He should try to get some sleep before his duty shift. But something else kept him awake. Tuvok had overlooked something. Something that only one person noticed. Another thing had changed on Voyager:  no one was seeking out Chakotay for personal advice anymore. He no longer had people asking to speak to him about their problems either personal or professional. The crew didn’t realize they had stopped looking to him for answers, but he did. While he valued his increased privacy, he credited it to the recognition by the crew that he was losing touch with them.

Chakotay had spent the last weeks in emotional turmoil. He couldn’t identify his feelings. His spirit guide had been no help. He could reach her but she just shook her head and said nothing. Chakotay no longer knew who or what he was. He still carried the title first officer and the rank of Commander but those labels felt meaningless. He no longer felt grounded; his worst fears were coming true. The contact with the aliens of chaotic space must have activated the gene he shared with his grandfather, the gene that would disconnect his mind from reality. Chakotay turned to the viewport and watched the stars go by wondering how long it would be before he lost the stars. He had already lost the woman he loved; he was losing his place on the ship; and soon he would lose himself.

A few hours later Kathryn knew what she had to do. She glanced at the chronometer and then checked the duty roster. She woke Tom Paris and told him he needed to assign another person to cover the helm for the next shift because he would have the bridge. She sent a message flagged urgent to Chakotay saying he had been removed from the duty roster for the next shift. Then she left the Ready Room to return to her quarters to take a shower and change.

Kathryn had put off what she knew she had to do as long as she could. Now she stood waiting. She was nearly ready to signal again when the door opened. She glanced around expecting to find him near the door to greet her but instead saw him staring out the viewport on the other side of the room. Unsure of his mood she crossed the room to stand near him.

“I’ve been expecting you, Kathryn. My rank insignia is there on the table next to a padd with all my security codes and a summary of the open issues from the last briefing of the senior officers. You can put me ashore at the next habitable planet; we both know I can’t stay here.” Again he had caught her off guard with his words and their sense of inevitability but she remained firm in her conviction to do everything possible to heal the breach in their relationship.

“Chakotay, I don’t know where we go from here, but I do know that we go together.” He interrupted her.

“There is no ‘we’, Captain. There never has been. It was all an illusion.”

“You’re right that there was no ‘we’ between the captain and the first officer, but there has always been a ‘we’ between Kathryn and Chakotay. The fact that I refused to acknowledge it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist.” Kathryn paused to collect her thoughts. She would only get one chance and she had to get it right the first time.

“When I came here to thank you for contacting the aliens in chaotic space, you were right. It might not have seemed like it, but I listened to you that night; I really listened to you. Then I thought about what you said. I thought about you; I thought about what you offered me; I thought about how I've treated you; and I thought about what I had done and asked of you. I took a good long hard look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw.” Kathryn waited to see if Chakotay would respond. When he made no move to speak, she continued.

“I don’t like the person I've become and I want to go back to being the person I was. I had to find out what made me change -- what drove me to become so insensitive. I finally realized it was you. I started to change after we returned from New Earth and it was because of you.” She saw Chakotay’s shoulders tighten and heard him take a breath as if to speak, so she hurried to continue.

“You loved me. I didn’t know how to deal with that love, so I ran. Oh, I didn’t run fast and I didn’t run far, but I ran and I hid. I hid behind the command structure; I hid behind our friendship; I hid behind anything I could find to avoid acknowledging what you felt for me and what I felt for you. Your words the other night finally made me admit to myself that I love you but I’m don’t just love you; I’m in love with you. Right now, more than anything, I want to be to the woman you first loved. I can’t do that alone. The only place she still exists is somewhere inside you – in your heart and in your memories.”

“Why do you want to be that woman, Kathryn?” The question was soft and curious, almost childlike.

“I know you loved her. I think you even fell in love with her. And I want you to love and be in love with me here – now – today.”

“Why, Kathryn? Do you want me to be here in case you need another sacrificial lamb?” The bitterness was back in his voice. “You pushed me away for years.  You hurt me. You used me. Yet now you come to me saying you want me to love you. Why should I believe you?”

“Because you love me. Because somewhere inside you, you’ve known what I refused to admit – that I love you as much as you love me. Because if you don’t believe me, I will have to put you off at the next habitable planet and that would destroy both of us and tear this ship apart. Because you promised to stay by my side. Because you found peace with me on Voyager.”

Kathryn stopped because she couldn’t think of any real reason why he should believe her. No, those reasons were just using him again.

“No, I"m doing it again. Those aren't  reasons you should believe me. They’re selfish and manipulative. They’re the kind of reasons people who love each other should never use. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that tonight and here I am, desperately using your feelings to get what I want. Maybe you shouldn’t believe me, Chakotay. Maybe I have gone too far and you have good reason never to trust me again.” Chakotay considered her words for several minutes before speaking.

“And if I do believe you, Kathryn, what then? What do you want from me? Do you expect me to go back to what we were before chaotic space? Do you expect me to go back to being your friend?” Kathryn could hear the bitterness in his voice.

“Yes, Chakotay. If all I can have is my friend back, that will be enough. But I want more. I want the man in love with me back. I want him back because I want him to show me how to love him the way he has loved me.”

Chakotay was silent for a long time. Her words had released the jumble of emotions he had felt over the last weeks. They seemed to magically sort themselves out until he could identify each one and know what he felt and why he felt. As he examined each emotion he became more certain of who and what he was. He knew exactly why he was angry with Kathryn. He knew exactly what he feared. He knew that he was not a crazy old man. He also suspected that his spirit guide would have a severe tongue lashing for him the next time he contacted her. Slowly he turned and looked at Kathryn.

Kathryn watched Chakotay as he struggled with his thoughts before turning to look at her. She met his eyes as he searched her face for some unspoken truth. He seemed to reach some conclusion then opened his arms to her. She rushed into those arms sobbing her relief. For long minutes they stood there before he picked her up and carried her to a chair where he settled her on his lap. They sat like that for nearly an hour, each reluctant to break the silence for fear of destroying what they had started to rebuild. Chakotay was the one who finally spoke.

“It can’t be the way it was, Kathryn. It can never be that way again. I love you. You love me. Our feelings for each other that I allowed you to pretend did not exist are real. No more pretending, Kathryn. We don’t ignore our feelings. We explore them. We don’t hide our relationship from the crew. We acknowledge it in public. It exists even on the bridge. Voyager's captain and first officer are involved with each other in a very personal way. I'm not going to try to tell you it won't affect my opinions because it will; it has since I first fell in love with you. I will tell you that it won't put Voyager or her crew at greater risk. We're adults, Kathryn; we can separate our personal lives from the best interests of Voyager if necessary.”

“I know you’re right, Chakotay. Hiding our feelings and our relationship is wrong. It demeans what we have and gives others the impression we believe it is temporary.”

“There is one more thing, Kathryn. You can work in your quarters, entertain in your quarters; we can eat in your quarters. But starting tonight you sleep in my bed even when I’m off the ship or on duty. If we have a fight, one of us sleeps on the couch or the floor; but from now on, the only place either of us sleeps is right here. The captain will need her quarters as a place to entertain and meet with crew members but from now on, Kathryn, this is your home. I’ll take the couch until we have a physical relationship, and we will have one as soon as we're both ready for it, but we sleep here from now on.”

Kathryn’s only response was to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him closer. They both still had a lot to say and there were a lot of things to work out, but this was the first step toward a life together.

About a year later, Chakotay was awakened by a wriggling Kathryn.

“What’s wrong, Kathryn?”

“I can’t get comfortable. You just don’t make as good a pillow as you do an electric blanket. Right now I swear I could sleep better in my command chair than next to you.”

“That’s because you don’t try to beat the command chair into a more comfortable shape. Besides, I don’t think I’m the reason you haven’t been able to sleep lately.” His hand moved to her belly to feel their child moving more than usual. “It's not my fault you woke the baby up with your wiggling, now she's going to keep you up.”

“It is too your fault. You’re the one that said just once without renewing our boosters would be safe enough. Just once? You kept me up all night. You knew exactly what you were doing. So it is too your fault I can’t sleep tonight.”

Chakotay chuckled. He had known exactly what he was doing and he got exactly what he wanted. Someday he would force her to admit she was equally guilty of wanting a baby, but not tonight. He shifted positions in the bed and pulled her against him so he could rub her belly to calm the baby. Tomorrow he had appointments with two people about personal problems before he went on duty.  Tonight he needed his sleep. He whispered into her hair as he drifted to sleep.

“I did it for you, Kathryn. I always have and I always will.”