by Dakota

Kathryn found a table in a relatively quiet corner of Sandrine's and sat down. She didn't bother to get herself a drink. She just wanted to watch the people for a while. She had only been in Sandrine's about five minutes when she noticed that the mood seemed to have shifted subtly since she arrived. It was nothing tangible, nothing she could describe physically, just a feeling that the others had been having more fun before she arrived. She glanced up as the door opened and Chakotay entered. He spoke to a few people and stopped at the bar for two drinks. Still chatting to the others, he made his way to her table and put a glass of fruit juice down in front of her.

"Juice ok, Captain?"

"Sure. Thanks. How long has it been like this?"

"How long has what been like this?"

"How long has it been that the crew is tense when I'm around? In the few minutes since you came in, they've relaxed."

"I still don't understand."

"As soon as I walked in, the mood changed. Not much and nothing you could really define to suit Tuvok, but I could feel it. Then you come in and it changes again. The crew tenses up when I come here and lightens up again when you're here. I want to know how long it's been like that. How long have I had that impact on the crew?"

Chakotay thought for a few minutes, uncertain how to answer the question. He flirted briefly with denying that what Kathryn had described was true, but knew she wouldn't believe him. He sipped at his juice and stared at it while he started his answer.

"I think you're asking the wrong question, Kathryn. You hold yourself out to be as close to the perfect Starfleet officer as you can. You expect a lot of your crew and more of yourself and they all know it. It's normal for them to tense up when a senior officer is around even in a social situation."

"So what question should I be asking then?"

"When did the crew start lightening up when you and I were both around? It's not you making them tense, it's the two of us together that lets them relax."

"You're the buffer between me and the crew? You're saying they're afraid to relax around me unless you're around?"

"No, I'm saying that when I'm here with you they know we're talking about things just like they are. We aren't here on ship's business. We're like everyone else in the room. When you're here alone, they aren't sure."

"Aren't sure about what?"

"About why you're here, about whether to talk to you. They'd react to any ranking officer the same way. It's not you, Kathryn, it's your rank. They are nervous when the captain is around."

"I'm around now. Why are they relaxing?"

"At some level, they know that when we're talking like this, Kathryn is here not the captain."

"Is she?" Kathryn finished her juice but didn't push Chakotay for an answer to her last question before she made her excuses and left. Chakotay sighed and finished his juice. He was getting ready to leave when Tom challenged him to a pool game. He accepted the challenge more to keep Tom quiet than because he wanted to play.

Kathryn entered Sandrine's about three weeks later. It had been some time since she had been there. Chakotay had given her a lot to think about and she was curious to see if his observations were accurate. She glanced around. He wasn't here. She quietly made her way to the bar and picked up some juice before going to her favorite table. Although she tried to be inconspicuous, she could tell as various groups in the room became aware of her presence in the corner. She made a note to wear civilian clothes next time to see if the reaction to her presence was slower. She sipped her juice and debated leaving just so the others could enjoy themselves more when Chakotay entered. Even though he never looked her way, he only picked up one drink at the bar en route to her table.

"How do you know?"

"How do I know what?"

"When I'm in here alone. Whether I have a drink already."

"The drink is easy. I see you before you see me and I can see whether you have a drink."

"That explains the drink which Sandrine could also tell you about, but how do you know I'm here? You come in about five or ten minutes after I do."

"Sandrine tells me if you show up."

"You're spying on me?"

"Nothing like that. I set it up after New Earth so I'd know when I could just talk to you. Then I ignored it for a while, but later started using it when I thought you might want to talk."

"Lately?"

"More recently, since I've noticed the crew's reaction to your presence, I've used it once in a while to let me know when I could help them all relax and have a quiet talk with you."

"So the only reason you talk to me is to help the crew relax?"

"Don't be silly, Kathryn. If that were my only purpose, I'd have just told you what was happening and suggested you avoid coming here unless you were with me or it was a special occasion. I talk to you because I want to. You're my friend. I enjoy talking to you."

"From the sounds of it, you and Tuvok are the only ones."

"Don't be like that. You've never given any indication to the others you wanted to be friends. I'm not sure you even gave me any indication." Kathryn stiffened at his words. "That's not meant as criticism, at least not of you. I probably took a lot for granted after New Earth and presumed you wanted us to be friends. As for the rest of the crew, I'm not sure you're wrong to keep some distance."

"Funny. I didn't expect you to say that. You've always thought I was too distant from the crew."

"I mean that I think some distance is probably a good idea, but I still think you keep too much between yourself and the others."

"Including you?"

Chakotay was startled by Kathryn's question. He met her eyes but couldn't read her emotions. "Including me."

"You mean me as in Kathryn not me as in the captain, right?"

"Yes."

"I'm not sure there is any difference anymore, Chakotay."

"There's a difference, Kathryn. Trust me on that one."

Three days later Kathryn was ready to continue her conversation with Chakotay. It somehow seemed appropriate to let him find her again. She had only been at her table for three minutes when he walked into Sandrine's. Following the familiar pattern, he stopped for their drinks before joining her.

"You wanted to talk to me, Kathryn?"

"How could you know that?"

"You don't come here that often so you must want to talk. Have you thought about what I said?"

"Yes. I decided you were right. There is a difference between Kathryn and the captain, the biggest one is that Kathryn was left behind in the Alpha Quadrant. When I realized how long it could take to get back to Federation space, I shoved Kathryn aside. I needed to be the captain. Kathryn's life was in the Alpha Quadrant not out here so I didn't need her." Kathryn paused to sip her drink searching for the words to continue. "That was six years ago. Now Kathryn's life is here, on Voyager, but she has no place on Voyager."

"Do you want her to have a place on Voyager?"

"I think so. But that isn't something I can just decide and have it be true. I've kept my personal life so limited that I don't know how to make it part of my life on Voyager. I've been only the captain for so long, I've forgotten how to be anything else."

"What exactly do you want?"

"I want the crew to look up at me when I come in here and smile, and to have nothing else happen. I want them to ask me to join them because they want me to, not because it's some requirement of rank and manners. I'd like to hear some crew gossip from someone other than you or Tom. It's not that I don't want you around, but I'd like all that even when you're not with me."

"I understand. Do you trust me to help you?"

"I'd rather do this on my own."

"You'd be working against six years of habit on your part. Are you sure you don't want some help?"

"This is about me not the captain. I can't ask you to do this."

"Kathryn, you're not asking -- I'm offering."

"Well, if you don't mind..."

"I don't mind. In fact, I 'd enjoy it."

"Ok. What should I do first?"

"Well, I think you need to let them know there is a difference between Kathryn and the captain."

"And how do I do that without making a big deal out of it?"

"I'll just start calling you Kathryn off duty in the public areas. Whenever you feel comfortable and the opportunity presents itself, you ask one or two of your senior officers to call you Kathryn when off duty."

"That's it?"

"That's enough to start it off. The crew will hear about it and start to notice but unless one of us makes a big deal of it, I doubt they'll think much of it."

"Except Tom."

"It's always 'except Tom'." Chakotay and Kathryn both chuckled. Kathryn felt much better than she had in weeks, maybe years. Chakotay stood. "Can I get you another juice?"

"Is staying around here longer part of your master plan?"

"Only if you want to stay and talk to me."

"Then I'd like another juice." Chakotay took both their glasses and headed toward the bar. She watched him as he chatted with a few of the enlisted people at the bar and wondered if she should reconsider his place in Kathryn's life.

A month later, Kathryn had finally gotten used to being called 'Kathryn' in the mess hall by Tom and B'Elanna and had agreed to attend a party Tom had managed to find an excuse to have. She had asked a few others to call her Kathryn but they were less comfortable with the unaccustomed familiarity so Kathryn hadn't pressed the point.

One thing that Chakotay had implemented, but had not mentioned as part of his plan, was a subtle and gradual change in his behavior toward her. She had always been the one to touch people. Now he was touching her. She hadn't even noticed when he had first started, but in the last week he was seldom off duty and within arm's reach when his hand wasn't on her waist or arm. He was also standing closer to her so that their bodies were just barely touching. Her first reaction when she realized what he was doing was irritation but she had to admit that she felt more relaxed when he was near. She still wasn't ready to admit that she enjoyed it.

The chime for admission sounded. She glanced at the time. He was right on time to escort her to the first crew party since 'Kathryn' made her appearance to the crew. She met him at the door and smiled into his eyes. She was rewarded with a grin and an extended arm. Smiling and talking they made their way to the holodeck. Chakotay stopped a few feet short of the door and released her arm.

"Are you ready for the next step?"

Caught off guard Kathryn was silent a moment. "Next step?"

Answering her question with actions, Chakotay reached out and took her hand before taking a single step toward the door. Kathryn understood.

"I'm not sure."

"Next party then." Chakotay dropped her hand and extended his arm. Kathryn ignored it.

"Is the crew ready for the next step?"

"The crew has been ready for two weeks. I thought you might be, too. It's all right. This is a bigger change for you than it is for them."

Kathryn rejected his arm and firmly clasped Chakotay's hand. "You'd better not let go after I step through that door."

"I won't. Just relax and smile."

With a confidence she didn't quite feel, Kathryn allowed Chakotay to lead her onto the holodeck. Thinking back on the party before she fell asleep later that night, she realized that the crew had barely reacted to their clasped hands and even Tom had not commented. She and Chakotay had spent nearly half the party circulating separately chatting to the crew. She had enjoyed that time on her own but had gladly joined him on the dance floor near the end of the evening.

After the party, Kathryn didn't ask Chakotay what his plans were; rather she just followed his suggestions and accepted the occasional invitation to crew gatherings. About six months after their first conversation, Kathryn was going over the duty roster for the evening another of Tom's infamous parties had been scheduled. She was quite puzzled by what she saw. Chakotay was taking the bridge for most of the evening. She asked him about it over lunch the day of the party.

"It's time for you to go to a crew gathering without me. Tonight will tell you whether you've been successful in letting the crew become comfortable with Kathryn around. They'll all know I'm not coming so it will be a true measure of what you've achieved."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to find out."

"You'll do fine. Besides, I'm only on duty until midnight, then I'm off. Why don't you stop by my quarters after the party and we'll celebrate?"

"Or commiserate. Ok, I'll be there about 0:15 hours." Chakotay smiled with a confidence Kathryn did not share before they turned their conversation to ship's business.

Tuvok relieved Chakotay slightly early so Chakotay had changed and was waiting when Kathryn arrived about fifteen minutes late. As she came in, her smile told him that not only had their plan been a success, but Kathryn had thoroughly enjoyed herself as well. Chakotay quickly obtained drinks for them both and joined her on the couch. She was still smiling exuberantly.

"You were right. The party was wonderful."

"I think you can continue this project alone from here on."

"You mean you don't want to help me anymore?"

"Not at all. I just mean I won't be making any more plans or changes. I'll be happy to help you, just let me know what you need."

"Well, I've been thinking." Kathryn sat quietly for only a few seconds before she stood and walked to the viewport. She stood there until Chakotay followed to stand behind her to stare at the stars. Finally he spoke.

"What have you been thinking?"

"About how my life here has changed, not just in the last few months, but since we came to the Delta Quadrant. A lot of those changes have been good ones, especially recently. But there's still something missing."

"Missing from the captain's life or from Kathryn's life?"

"Kathryn's." Kathryn leaned back against Chakotay. "She used to have a boyfriend to take her on dates. Do you think you could help her, help me, find someone like that?"

Chakotay wrapped his arms around Kathryn's waist as they stared at the stars.  "I think I know someone who might be interested."