by Dakota

Kathryn stalked down the corridor and into her quarters. Chakotay was on her heels as the door slid closed. She turned to glare at him.

She whirled angrily to face him. "What?"

"You still haven't answered my question."

"I'm not going to." Kathryn turned her back and walked away.

"Why not? Are you afraid to be honest?"

"I don't answer to you."

"You answer to yourself. Are you afraid to be honest with yourself? Is that the problem? You're afraid to admit you love me?"

"I don't…." Kathryn stopped abruptly.

Chakotay knew he was pushing her too far but he pressed the point anyway. "What's wrong? Are you afraid of the truth… or afraid I'll know you lie?"

Kathryn took a deep breath and turned to look at Chakotay. "I repeat, I don't... answer… to… you. Leave. Now!"

Chakotay stared back at her, trying to read her expression. Slowly he nodded growing more emphatic with each motion.

"All right. Have it your way. I'll leave." His voice was cold and calm. He turned on his heel and left.

The next morning, the captain sat back in her command chair for a full hour just staring at the view of the planet Voyager orbited. It reminded her of Earth more than any planet they had yet encountered in the Delta Quadrant. It even had an extremely large moon circling its skies.

The people were friendly; their villages were scattered; and their hospitality was known throughout the sector. The planet was part of a hegemony and inhabited by those who preferred to leave technology out of their lives. Because the system was nestled in the heart of the hegemony, the planet needed no weapons to protect them. From what they had been able to learn, the entire hegemony's technology equaled or exceeded that of Voyager. But on this solitary planet, the only areas that showed any trace of their technical capabilities were the medical facilities.

This was their third day in orbit and the captain had been expecting to be taking some enforced shore leave this morning. Shore leave. That reminded her of Chakotay and their fight last night. The captain shifted restlessly in her seat before she stood, turned the bridge over to Ensign Kim and went to her ready room.

Shore leave. Chakotay had told her she would be going down to the planet with him today. She had resisted; he had insisted. Kathryn stared out the port at the stars. The planet, called Nor by its inhabitants, was on the other side of the ship. It was easier to pretend the fight never happened if she wasn't reminded that she had expected to spend the day with him.

Kathryn shook her head and walked to the replicator. She couldn't even remember how the argument had started. What she did remember was the chill in Chakotay's voice as he left. She shivered at the memory then told herself she was being melodramatic. This wasn't the first time they'd fought like this and it wouldn't be the last.

Resolutely, Kathryn sipped her coffee, then sat down at her desk, determined to put the argument out of her mind.

The captain entered the mess hall and noticed Chakotay leaving through the other door. She concluded he was either back from his shore leave or he hadn't gone down to the planet. She ate quickly and headed for the science labs. Nor's primary was a yellow dwarf with some interesting bands in its spectrum and she was going to spend a few hours as a scientist again.

Hours later, the captain of Voyager returned to her ready room, entering through the corridor. There was about an hour of Alpha shift left and they were due to leave orbit in about thirty minutes. Those on the bridge could complete final preparations without her breathing down their necks.

Carefully she carried the steaming cup of coffee to her desk making a mental note to have the replicator adjusted yet again. Hot was one thing but a roiling boil was another matter entirely. She set the cup down to let it cool. That was when she noticed the padd in the middle of her desk. It hadn't been there when she left for lunch and only one person would have left it there.

The captain picked it up and scanned its contents. She sat down halfway through. She read it again, certain she had missed something or misunderstood. She hadn't. Emotions warred inside her for dominance. The hurt turned to anger at the one who had caused the pain, anger reinforced by the argument the previous night.

Eventually, she calmed down enough to act. The captain checked for the status of those who had gone ashore. She nodded slowly. It was time for Voyager to move on.

Kathryn Janeway exited her ready room and stopped to look around the bridge. Nor was on the view screen and all stations were manned… except one. A few heads turned to look at her when she didn't move.

"Status."

"We're ready to leave orbit, Captain." Tuvok stood as he spoke. When she finally joined him by her chair, he returned to the Tactical station.

She sat down. "Mr. Paris, take us out of orbit, full impulse."

"Captain, Commander Chakotay isn't on…" Ensign Kim never finished the sentence.

"You heard my order, Mr. Paris. Break orbit."

"Aye, Captain."

The captain turned to Ensign Kim. "I'm fully aware who is on this ship and who is not, Ensign."

"Captain?" Tuvok asked what no other dared.

"Commander Chakotay has decided to stay on Nor." The captain turned back to the helm. "Status, Mr. Paris."

"We're at full impulse. We should clear the heliopause in about twenty-eight minutes."

"Stay at impulse until we do then go to warp six." She turned to leave the bridge. "You have the bridge, Commander Tuvok."

The captain made her way to her quarters where she stood and stared at the stars until they shifted into the familiar streaks that told her Voyager had gone to warp. That was when the enormity of what she had just done finally crashed through the emotional wall she had erected when she first read Chakotay's letter.

She shrugged her jacket off as she crossed to her bedroom and tossed it on the chair before collapsing on her bed. Great shuddering sobs vented the stress and pain for nearly an hour before she finally quieted and fell asleep. Her last coherent thought was that tomorrow would be better.

Kathryn stood in her quarters watching the stars considering the last three weeks. She had been wrong. Tomorrow had not been better, but it had been no worse. Day by day, she had become accustomed to the ache and the empty chair on the bridge. No one had asked her why Chakotay stayed behind and no one mentioned Voyager's lack of a first officer. Tuvok and Tom Paris had split up the duties that were the first officer's without discussing it with the captain. How long could they all pretend he wasn't gone?

The chime sounded. Kathryn jerked her head up surprised that her first thought was that Chakotay was outside her door. As quickly as the thought entered her head, she pushed it out. He was gone. It was someone else, probably Tuvok.

"Come in."

The door slid aside to admit Tuvok. "I apologize for disturbing you, Captain. There is a matter I wish to discuss with you."

Kathryn nodded and motioned with her hand for him to sit down. "What is so important that it couldn't wait until morning?"

"I did not want to discuss this on the bridge." Tuvok hesitated. "It is a personal matter."

"All right." The captain sat down.

"Why have we left a member of this crew on Nor?"

"Ahhh, I wondered how long it would be before someone asked me that." Kathryn let out a breath. She could answer the question the way Tuvok had phrased it. "Chakotay decided to settle there. He liked the people and the lifestyle."

"Allow me to rephrase then, Captain," Tuvok persisted. "Why have you allowed him to stay behind?"

"It's not my decision. It was his. I didn't even know he was considering it until I read his message and received his resignation."

"Then why haven't you assigned someone else as your first officer? Why does the ship's roster still list Commander Chakotay as a member of this crew?"

"I wanted to give the crew time to adjust to his absence."

"The crew… or yourself?" Tuvok's question hit home.

"Both."

"And have you adjusted?"

"What exactly is it you want, Tuvok?" The captain was tired of the questions.

"It's my opinion that you and the commander allowed a difference of opinion to carry you both too far. This ship needs Chakotay as much as it needs you.

"I have observed you and the commander for many years and for most of those years, you have denied your feelings for him. I believe you told him it was for the good of the crew. It is my belief that for the good of the crew, you should acknowledge your true feelings for the commander… to the commander."

"You expect me to turn this ship around and go back and beg him to come with us?"

"I expect you to return to Nor and convince Chakotay to rejoin us."

"What makes you think he'll come back?"

"He loves you, Captain. Unless I am mistaken, he left Voyager either because you told him to leave or because he believed it would cause you less pain in the long run."

Kathryn stared at her oldest friend. "How can you stand being away from Vulcan for so long?"

"I endure because I must. I am confident that my family awaits my return. I know that what T'Pel and I share will endure until we are together again. You and the commander have journeyed for many years but neither of you knows whether you will be together at the end of the journey.

"For the good of this crew, return to Nor and tell the commander that your journey will end together."

"I don't think that's enough any more, not for him or for me."

"Then ask the commander to make the journey together."

Kathryn stared at Tuvok, not quite sure he meant what she thought he did. "The safety of the ship and crew are paramount. That requires having the best people in command. You and the commander are those people. If the only way you can both continue to serve is for you to explore a personal relationship, then it is logical that you do so."

"Doesn't Vulcan philosophy hold that the good of the many outweighs the good of the one or the few?"

"It does. In this case, however, the good of the many is accomplished by the same means as the good of the one or the few."

Kathryn looked down, studying her clasped hands and considering Tuvok's words. He was telling her what she wanted was what was best for the ship. She was searching inside herself for the strength to do what he suggested when he stood to leave.

"Permission to return to the bridge and set a course for Nor to retrieve our missing crewman?"

Kathryn looked up at her friend, grateful for the assistance. "Thank you, old friend. Permission granted."

Kathryn woke one morning a few weeks later to see Nor outside her view port. They had established standard orbit during Gamma shift. B'Elanna had somehow managed to keep Voyager at warp eight for the return journey. Tuvok had not been idle after they arrived and Kathryn found on her desk a padd with Chakotay's location.

She brushed her hand over the long dress she wore and was reminded of New Earth. It was strangely comforting to feel the skirt swish around her when she moved. She tapped her combadge.

"Janeway to Transporter Room One."

"Dobson here, Captain."

"I believe you received coordinates from Tuvok earlier?"

"Yes, Captain. Laid in and ready to transport."

"One to transport to the surface. Energize."

Kathryn materialized at the edge of a field a few hundred meters from a small house surrounded by barns and other outbuildings. She looked around and saw a handful of men working in the field. They all turned to look at her before returning to their work... except one. He said something to the others then walked towards Kathryn. As he approached, Kathryn was disappointed to see it was not Chakotay.

"Hello. May I help you?"

"I'm Kathryn Janeway. I'm a friend of Chakotay. Do you know where I can find him?"

"He's in the barn over there working with the animals." The man motioned to the largest barn.

"Thank you."

Kathryn made her way slowly toward the barn. She paused for a second before pulling open the door and stepping into the dimly lit interior. She could make out a shadow of someone feeding animals about halfway down the aisle that dissected the barn. She could feel his eyes on her before she could make out his features and knew it was Chakotay.

"Kathryn?" Disbelief echoed in the single word.

She nodded and licked her lips. She was nervous.

"Kathryn?" His voice was more confident. "Come here."

Barely realizing that she was moving, Kathryn started walking toward the familiar voice. Before she reached him, she was running. Her forward motion was halted abruptly and she found herself crushed in his arms.

Finally, they both calmed down enough to relax their embrace and step back slightly.

"I never expected to see you again." Chakotay spoke first. "Why did you come back?"

"I had to." Kathryn's answer was from habit and far from what she had planned to say to him. He merely looked at her. "I had no choice. The crew needs you."

"The crew will manage fine without me." Chakotay dropped his hands to his side. "I'll make sure they know this is what I want."

"I…" Kathryn's voice trailed off.

"What, Kathryn?" Chakotay's voice was soft but he didn't move toward her.

"I'm part of the crew, too." She looked up into his eyes. "I need you."

"You'll find another first officer. Tuvok or Tom can handle the duties."

"That's not what I meant." Kathryn's frustration grew. "Damn! Tuvok said it much better."

"What did Tuvok say?"

"He told me the crew needs the best people in command. You and I are those people and if the only way you and I can serve as commanding officers is for us to explore a personal relationship, then it's logical for us to do that."

"Tuvok actually said that?"

Kathryn nodded. "I thought I had misunderstood when he told me that."

"So here you are, dutifully agreeing to give me what you think I want for the good of the crew." Chakotay turned away. "If I'd wanted that kind of relationship with you, I'd have used that argument years ago. You'll just have to get along with someone else as first officer."

"But you'll come with us?"

"Why would I come with you? There's no place for me on Voyager once you appoint another first officer."

"There's a place for you even if I appoint another first officer."

"I don't understand."

"Tuvok understood." Kathryn searched for the words. "I don't know how to explain it. I have to get this right, for the crew and for you."

"Why?" Chakotay demanded. "Tell me why you want me to come back."

"I…," Kathryn's voice trailed off.

"What's wrong? Are you afraid of the truth… or afraid I'll know if you lie?"

"Yes, I'm afraid. I don't know how to do this. This goes against everything I was taught as an officer." Her voice faded as she continued.

"Just say it." Chakotay was losing patience.

"I love you." Kathryn finished the words angrily and turned her back. A few seconds later, she felt a gentle hand on the nape of her neck.

"Was that so hard?" Chakotay spoke softly.

"Yes, it was. And it's not going to get any easier." Kathryn's fire slowly returned. "It's more than saying a few words. If we get personally involved, it's going to affect how we run the ship. We can't avoid that. I'm afraid of what might happen if we can't make this work. When we disagree about a command decision, it's going to impact us personally. How long can a relationship last under that kind of strain?"

Chakotay rubbed her shoulders gently. "I don't have the answers to any of those questions. Maybe we won't be able to make it work as a couple and as officers. Maybe we shouldn't try, but I'd rather try and fail than never make the effort. If you're that concerned about the professional issues, maybe it would be better if I were a civilian."

"I'd rather you were first officer but it doesn't matter what you do as long as you come with us."

"I thought you were afraid."

"I am, but I'm more afraid you'll tell me to go back to the ship and tell the crew you prefer to stay on this planet." Kathryn raised her head. "And I'm afraid of what I'll become if you stay here."

"If I come back as first officer, do I get my old quarters back?"

"If you want them. You can have any quarters you want." Kathryn turned to look at him.

"I want your quarters."

Kathryn nodded. "I'll be out in a day. I promise."

"Then they wouldn't be yours." Chakotay stepped closer. "I meant yours, as in sharing."

"Why?" The whispered words barely carried to Chakotay's ears as Kathryn looked down.

"I love you."

Kathryn stared at him then shook her head. "No, I can't go that fast."

"And I can't wait forever. I thought I could but I can't." Chakotay sighed. "You'd better go back to the ship. I'll tell them I don't want to go with you."

"No!" Kathryn was adamant. "The crew needs you. You belong on Voyager. It's your home." She placed her hands on his arms. "I don't mean we pick up where we were but I'm not ready for you to move in. I need you, as a friend and as an officer and as a man. I love you and I'm afraid of all the things that can go wrong. I need this to work. Please."

"If I come," Chakotay stepped closer and put his hands on her waist, "can I touch you like this when we're off duty?"

Kathryn nodded as she met his gaze.

"Can I hold you close when we dance?" Chakotay pulled her closer.

"Yes, I'd like that." Kathryn allowed herself to smile slightly.

"Can I kiss you goodnight?" Chakotay matched his actions to his words.

Kathryn's hands tightened on his arms as his lips explored hers. She knew he could feel her trembling as his arms supported her. Slowly her hands crept around his neck as the kiss continued. Slowly her confidence grew and she pressed herself closer. When he finally lifted his head, they were both breathing heavily. Kathryn felt herself flush as she looked up at Chakotay.

"I think we'd better wait a week or so before trying that again."

"Why? Afraid of what I'll do?" Chakotay grinned at her.

"No, I'm afraid of what I'll do." She seized his hand and pulled him towards the door. "Let's go home."