Eleven months later, eleven long and bloody months later, Kathryn Janeway looked over the promenade of Deep Space 9.  In a few days, Voyager would once again be headed for the Badlands.  The war with Cardassia and the Dominion was over.  The Federation had won . . .  just barely and at great cost.  More than 70% of the fleet had been destroyed.  The death count was still only an estimate and everyone knew the estimate was optimistic at best, and an outright fabrication at worst.  The fact that Voyager was one of the few ships held back from the front to patrol other Federation borders still rankled Janeway.  Voyager had not had one encounter with the Cardassians or the Dominion; not one injury resulting from battle; and not one thing contributed to the war effort.  The only bright spot for Janeway was that she had still had Tuvok as her Chief of Security and she didn’t have Cavitt as her first officer.  Her constant irritant had been promoted and given ship of his own five months ago, not on her recommendation, but because Starfleet needed every officer it had and no longer had the luxury of demanding sufficient experience and expertise.  She was lucky Tuvok was still assigned to Voyager.  When Voyager left Earth, her crew had been less than half its maximum complement, but at DS9, fifty more crew came aboard.  Among them were most of the Maquis rescued from the Élan.  The rest were Maquis who had been imprisoned before the war began.  As part of the post war changes, all Maquis had been given the option to serve in Starfleet until their sentences were fully served.  Most, but not all, had chosen Starfleet.  For some reason, Starfleet decided that Janeway was the best captain to deal with the former Maquis as officers and crewmen, possibly because so many of the Élan’s crew had requested her as their commanding officer.  They also thought that the Maquis would be a more cooperative crew if they were searching for survivors of the war in the Badlands and surrounding areas.  For that reason, Voyager would be scanning all planets and bodies large enough to potentially house a base, whether Maquis or Cardassian.  A shout from below pulled Kathryn from her thoughts.  Kathryn sighed and headed for the stairs leading to the main concourse.   She would visit Quark’s and see how many members of her crew were taking advantage of some leisure time.

Quark approached Kathryn as she entered his bar.  “I don’t have any fresh coffee, so don’t even ask. You’ll have to settle for what comes from the replicator.”  Quark made his way back to the bar and told a waitress to take Janeway coffee.  He continued grumbling about Voyager’s crew, “Half of that crew drinks coffee just like Janeway and the rest take up too much space and don’t spend enough money on drinks.  They won’t even gamble, except for Paris and I think he cheats. I can’t even get Harry Kim to buy gems any more. I wonder how soon they’ll be leaving so I’ll have seats for more profitable customers.”

Janeway quickly located a cluster of Voyager’s crew at one end of the room and made her way in their direction.  She had taken a seat almost before they realized she was there.  She talked with them a few minutes, sipping the coffee that had mysteriously appeared without being requested.  Satisfied that her crew was truly relaxing she left them and Quark's, knowing that her presence would distract them and detract from their relaxation.  She spent the next hour window shopping and browsing some of the stores along the promenade before returning to Voyager.  Her few purchases would be delivered to Voyager in an hour or two.

Restless, Janeway wandered Voyager’s corridors a few hours.  They were strangely silent and empty.  As she walked, Kathryn contemplated the events of the last year and how they had affected everything.  She knew she was still irritated by the Cardassians because they had snatched *her* Maquis captain.  He was her assignment and she had failed to carry out her orders because he was missing.  Starfleet found no fault but Kathryn was not so forgiving of herself.  She had been ordered to find Chakotay and she would.  In a way, as unpalatable as her new orders were, she was glad.  If Chakotay were anywhere to be found, Voyager was the ship most likely to find him.  They would be working the area where the Cardassians had the most military outposts.  There was only one other ship with similar orders, and they were focusing on civilian populations centers.  There weren’t enough ships or personnel for Starfleet to spare more on this type of possibly vain search.  One point in Chakotay’s favor was that Starfleet had determined from the way the war went that Chakotay had not given any information about the Maquis or Starfleet to the Cardassians; if he had, the information had been fabricated and designed to work against Cardassia.  In a weird application of logic, Starfleet issued unusual orders. His offered pardon from Janeway’s first mission to the Badlands had not been accepted, so it had been replaced. In the event that Chakotay were found, he was to be offered a choice of ten years service in Starfleet or ten years in prison.  Starfleet needed experienced officers and they wanted Chakotay; this was the closest they could come to guaranteeing he returned to Starfleet.  Janeway thought that he would probably be assigned to Voyager just as all the other Maquis had.  She wasn’t sure she wanted a crew that was half former Maquis as well as a former Maquis captain on her ship.  She didn’t know Chakotay except from reports and his Starfleet file.  Even if she had known him before, he could so easily have changed during his time with the Cardassians.  Hell, she’d be more surprised is he even looked the same much less thought and acted the same.  At best he would be an unknown.

Kathryn paused, realizing that she had been assuming that she would find him, that he would accept Starfleet’s offer, and that he would be assigned to Voyager.  That was a lot of if's and not typical of the person she had been.  Kathryn realized for the first time how much the war had changed her.  She remembered her last meeting with Necheyev.  Kathryn was abrupt to the point of rudeness and Necheyev didn’t even flinch much less reprimand her.  Kathryn also realized that most of her recent requests to headquarters had been closer to demands than requests.  Off duty, she interacted with her crew, calling them by their first names.  Although she had not told them to do so, a few of the more senior crew, Maquis and Starfleet alike, called her by her first name when in informal, off-duty circumstances.

Tom Paris was one of the first to call her Kathryn.  Kathryn had hoped Tom would help Harry relax, but his affect on her was greater.  Without even trying, Tom had countered his father’s sage advice and shown Kathryn how and when to implement protocol -- if and when it suits your purpose.  Kathryn chuckled quietly at the irony.

An hour later, Kathryn was finishing her dinner in the mess hall when she was summoned to the bridge.  New orders from Starfleet had just been relayed from the main communications center on DS9.  Kathryn had them transferred to her ready room to review.  Those being delivered to individual crewmen would be held until she had reviewed all of hers and approved their delivery.

Kathryn was stunned by the orders. The first was a general order affecting ships in areas or on assignments that were unlikely to result in significant injuries. The scarcity of doctors and trained medical specialists meant that most of the smaller ships would have to continue to get along without a chief medical officer.  Kathryn had been expecting at least one such transfer before leaving DS9.  Instead, Janeway’s specific orders were to transport those with any serious or long-term injuries to DS9 for treatment.  Immediate treatment and treatment for minor injuries would be handled by the Emergency Medical Holograph that had been installed on most Starfleet ships near the end of the Cardassian War.  Her crew would have no doctor -- just a computer program to deal with injury and disease. The Maquis members would be sure to believe they were expendable when they found out. There were a few promotions, most expected and long awaited by both the officer and Janeway.  One was completely unexpected -- Tom Paris was being promoted to Lt. Commander.  That one Janeway did not understand.  She needed a first officer not a Lt. Commander.  Tuvok’s promotion to full commander was also unexpected, but Janeway brightened at the thought that the next order would be to make him her first officer.  She was disappointed.  The next set of orders did indeed make Tuvok first officer, just not on Voyager.  They transferred Tuvok to a galaxy class ship and advised him that he was fifth in line for his own command.  He was to catch the next transport to Earth.  An addendum to these orders was a suggestion that Janeway use Paris as a temporary first officer until one was assigned to Voyager.  She was also advised that the twenty promised additional additional crewmembers were not available and that Voyager should proceed with its assignment immediately.

Kathryn was stunned.  She reread her orders for the third time, still not finding her mistake in interpretation.  She was losing her Chief of Security; she would not be getting a first officer; she would not have a doctor; and Tom Paris was her most senior officer. She signaled that the rest of the orders be transmitted to the designated recipients and ordered all leaves canceled as of 24:00 hours.  The helm was advised that they would be departing DS9 at 08:00 and to advise Station Ops of their plans.  Then Kathryn tried for over an hour to determine what she had done to deserve this.  Nothing came to mind.

Voyager had been cruising the Badlands and surrounding areas for six months without a break.  They had found some possible sites for bases, but all were abandoned.  The few bases known to the Maquis members of the crew had been checked, but all had been evacuated either during the war or before Voyager’s arrival.  It appeared that the most likely place to find survivors would be Cardassian camps, bases and prisons.  So far, three Cardassian bases had yielded no Federation or Maquis prisoners, dead or alive.  A few dead Cardassians were found, apparently abandoned by their comrades in arms.  Janeway had the bodies buried and filed reports identifying those they could.  Voyager was approaching a planetoid not found on any Federation chart and unknown to the Maquis members of Voyager’s crew.  It was large enough to house several bases.  Because of its proximity to the Badlands, scans of the surface were inconclusive.  Only when they were in orbit could they get reliable readings of the planetoid.  Those scans indicated that there were more than twenty bases and prisons on the surface, but were inconclusive regarding lifesigns.  A ground search would have to be conducted of each site.

Three days and two bases later, an away team reported finding lifesigns at one camp.  Harry Kim had the bridge at the time and immediately ordered all members of the away team into the area where the lifesigns were located.  He also ordered additional personnel to prepare to transport to the surface to assist.  He was trying to decide how to alert sickbay about developments when the Captain entered the bridge.  He reported the away team's findings and his own orders including the fact that he had not yet alerted sickbay.  The only change in Harry’s orders Kathryn made was to increase the number of people joining the search on the surface.  She made sure at least half were Maquis.  When they finished rescue operations, Voyager had an additional twenty-seven people on board.  Most were women and children who had been seeking refuge at various Maquis camps when captured by Cardassians.

Two weeks and ten bases after that, there were a total of 91 civilians on Voyager.  Space was at a premium.  One cargo bay was holding all the cargo Voyager carried.  The other cargo bays were housing people.  Regular crew had doubled and tripled up so the civilians had more space.  Janeway had asked for volunteers in the doubling up process and was pleased when about half the requests included mixed groups of Starfleet and Maquis crew.  That more than anything assured her that her crew was becoming a team personally and professionally.  Only a few held out for their own private space.  She had initially refused Tom Paris’s request to share quarters with Harry and two other men.  He was acting as her first officer in many matters and she needed him to get enough rest.  She lost enough sleep for both of them.  When they had taken their 85th civilian aboard, she finally granted Tom’s request.

Eight days later search results tore the hearts of the entire Voyager crew.  They found more than fifty children ranging from four to eleven years of age in one camp with no sign that their parents had ever been there.  The bodies of nearly eighty children who had not survived were found in an area where the oldest survivors had placed them.  It was a miracle the older children had found enough food and water to keep this many alive.  The adults from the other camps willingly took over their care once they were checked by the doctor.  The addition of the children brought the civilian population to 194. Voyager was fast running out of space and they were still adding to the population. When the children were found, she put Tom in charge of finding them a place to stay.  At their request the day after the children were found, half a dozen crewmen had moved out of quarters altogether and set up camp in a crew lounge on Deck 6.  Six more had joined them by the following morning.  Tom didn’t ask her permission to join the group, he just approved everyone else’s request and joined them.  It took the captain three days to learn of his action.  Kathryn knew Starfleet insisted on its command staff maintaining at least one place where they could have privacy.  She also knew that her ready room was needed for staff meetings.  She had cleared the briefing room and the first officer’s office ten days ago to house crewmen who volunteered to camp in those rooms.  They were sharing shower facilities in the ship’s locker rooms or with friends still in quarters.  She was contemplating giving up her quarters and moving into her ready room.  There were only two more bases to search, so she postponed that decision for the moment.  If they found more than two or three survivors, her decision would be made for her.

Despite the crowded conditions on Voyager, Janeway was disappointed when only one life sign showed up on the scans of the next base.  She had become used to finding larger groups at the bases.  The away team’s first report was that this base looked and felt different than the others.  They finally concluded that it held military or political prisoners not civilians captured when a Maquis base was taken over.  They quickly located the sole survivor of this prison and transported him back to Voyager.  Kathryn expected to hear from the EMH that the survivor was suffering from the same dehydration and malnutrition as the others.  She was surprised to learn that this prisoner had been beaten and possibly tortured extensively.  Although his identity had not been available to the EMH, his description of the patient told Kathryn who he was.  She finally had Chakotay on Voyager.  At last she had completed the orders issued to her for Voyager’s first mission.  Other thoughts raced through her mind, thoughts of a more personal nature but she pushed them aside.  Time enough for those later.  Kathryn quickly issued orders to proceed to the last base and initiate the search there.  Once they had completed the search, Voyager would be returning to DS9 with her 194 civilian survivors and one former Maquis.  Based on the preliminary medical report, Chakotay would spend most of the time traveling to DS9 in sickbay recovering.  Kathryn contemplated all her orders regarding Chakotay.  He technically was not a prisoner until he turned down Starfleet’s offer.  She decided that since she was the only one who knew what those orders contained, she didn’t have to take action until he made that decision.  With that she headed to sickbay to check the condition of Voyager’s most recent addition.  She knew he was unconscious and would be for at least 24 hours because the doctor had induced a coma to repair the damage caused by months of torture and exacerbated by lack of treatment.

Chakotay awoke confused by his surroundings.  He expected a cold, hard floor and either pitch-blackness or glaring light.  He found neither.  Instead he was on a relatively soft surface with lots of lights and screens.  There was overhead light shining in his eyes and blinding him, but he could turn his eyes away from the light, an unfamiliar freedom for him.  There was movement off to the side and a figure approached.  “Finally awake, I see” spoke an unfamiliar voice.  “You are much improved since you arrived, but you need to get more rest.”  A movement and the sound of a hypospray accompanied a tingle at the side of his neck and Chakotay drifted to sleep again.

The next time he awoke, Chakotay was careful not to move.  He didn’t want to be on the receiving end of another hypospray until he figured out what was going on and where he was.  He thought back to his encounter with the Cardassian scout while still on the Élan.  He remembered being transferred to the scout and his encounters with the guards and Seska.  He flinched and mentally berated himself for excessive stupidity and gullibility.  He had never before considered himself naive, but now he couldn’t avoid that assessment now.  Seska’s last comments sparked a sorrow at the loss of a child who was never wanted until after death, and then only by its father.  His thoughts lingered on that loss for a few moments before moving on to subsequent events.  The guards of the scout ship spent a few days enjoying themselves at his expense, inflicting pain but never enough damage to need medical attention, at least by Cardassian standards for prisoners, meaning he didn’t die as a result of their beatings.  He hadn’t been so sure of survival when he reached the Cardassian prison camp, where he had been routinely interrogated and tortured for information about the Maquis and Starfleet.  The Maquis he understood, but not the need for information about Starfleet.  He concluded that if the Cardassians thought the information was important, then he would not give it to them.  He resisted.  When his resistance wore thin, he made up information or lied.  The few times he was caught in a lie resulted in more pain.  Even now, Chakotay wasn’t sure whether he had bent or broken, but he did know the Cardassians did not get what they wanted.  He was here; they weren’t.  That meant one way or another, he had won.  Chakotay smiled to himself.

The third time Chakotay awoke, he changed his tactics.  That smile last time he was awake had been enough to attract the doctor’s attention and put him on the receiving end of another hypospray.  This time he simply called the doctor to come knock him out again.  The doctor appeared.  “Sorry. This time you have to stay awake.  There are a few people who want to talk to you.”

“How long? Where am I? Who are you?”  asked Chakotay.

“How long what?” responded the doctor.  “You’ve been in this sick bay for approximately 56 hours.  You are on Voyager under the command of Captain Janeway.  And I am the doctor.”

“What’s Voyager? And what’s your name?”  The ship was not among the Maquis vessels he knew.  Since the doctor was in uniform, Chakotay decided this must be a Starfleet vessel despite the doctor’s lack of rank insignia.  It must be a new ship by the unfamiliar equipment in sickbay, but it had a well-used look as well.

“Voyager is a Starfleet vessel searching the Badlands and environs for survivors of the Cardassian War.  As I said, I am the emergency medical holograph on Voyager.  You may call me 'Doctor'.”

Chakotay started to ask more questions raised by the doctor’s answers when a woman with red hair and a weary expression entered the room.  He turned to her seeking more answers to his questions.

"Who are you?  Or are you a holograph as well?  What war with Cardassia?  Who’s winning the war?"  He began to struggle to get up.   The doctor approached wielding a hypospray.  “I’ll use this if you don’t calm down.”  Chakotay stopped struggling and lay back on the biobed.  He looked back at the woman for answers.  She waved the doctor and threatened hypospray away.

“You’re safe.  I’m Kathryn Janeway, captain of Voyager.  You are among 195 survivors of Cardassian prisons we picked up on uncharted planetoids over the last few weeks.  We’re en route to Deep Space 9.”  Chakotay started to struggle again but yielded when she touched his shoulder.  “That’s better,” she continued.  “The Federations declared war on Cardassia about a month after you were taken from the Élan by the Cardassians.  Voyager found the Élan a few days before the war began and took them to Deep Space 9 and then to Earth.  Your entire crew provided valuable information about Cardassian ships and troops.  None was asked about the Maquis, their bases or contacts; and none gave any such information to Starfleet.  After the war ended, your entire crew elected to join Starfleet and all were assigned to Voyager.  About half of my crew was once your crew, Chakotay.  The Federation won the war about nine months ago.  Chakotay couldn’t even begin to identify all the emotions that flooded through him from her look, her touch and her words.  He would have to sort through them later when he had more time to examine each in greater depth.

“That’s enough for now.  There are many others who want to see you, but the doctor is limiting it to just one more today.  Tomorrow will be time enough for your reunion with the rest of your friends.  I’ll give you one hint about who your visitor will be.  She threatened to erase the doctor’s program if she didn’t get to see you today.”  She noticed a smile touch his face for the first time as he guessed his visitor’s name.

“B’Elanna,” whispered Chakotay, unable to believe what little of Captain Janeway’s story that had registered.  He turned toward the door and saw B’Elanna enter hesitantly, then picking up her pace as she neared the biobed.  Janeway left as she saw them hug a welcome.  She knew that today most of what anyone told Chakotay would not sink in.  He would need time to come to terms with his release and the change in the status of the Maquis, the end of the conflict with Cardassia, and his own survival.  Most critically he would have to confront details of his imprisonment and treatment at the hands of the Cardassians, but now was not the time. Tomorrow would be time enough for details and decisions and the beginnings of acceptance of all that had happened.  Today, he simply needed to know that he was alive.

The brief visits with the captain and B’Elanna had tired Chakotay more than he had thought possible.  He had slept another sixteen hours without the aid of a hypospray.  When he finally awoke, he asked the doctor about his condition, which was excellent considering his treatment and living conditions for the last eighteen months.  By the doctor’s standards, he was doing well, would physically recover completely but needed to get more rest and allow his body to heal.  The doctor was also happy to repeat what the captain had told him about the war with Cardassia and Voyager’s current status with particular emphasis on the doctor’s contributions.  Chakotay learned a lot more about events in sickbay than he would have liked, but the doctor did update him on the status of his former crew and other members of the Maquis.  The doctor was also more than willing to tell Chakotay everything he knew about the captain.  Chakotay was finally beginning to accept that he was free of the Cardassians and their interference in his life.

Chakotay spent most of the afternoon evaluating all that had occurred and how his decisions had affected events.  He had learned from the doctor that Tuvok had been the Federation spy on the Élan.  He reviewed every conversation he could recall with Tuvok trying to find some clue that he had overlooked that would have indicated that Tuvok was acting on behalf of Starfleet.  He could find none.  Vulcans are excellent liars when properly motivated.  They never show emotion so are seldom caught in a lie by another because of their reaction.  Vulcans are also never expected to lie, some even believed they couldn’t lie.  Chakotay knew that was not true.  Vulcans could lie when it suited their purpose to conceal the truth or when ordered to do so. Chakotay finally concluded that he had missed nothing that would have exposed Tuvok as a spy.

Chakotay then turned his attention to Seska.  This was another situation completely.  It took him a several hours before he finally admitted that he had decided to trust Seska because he had no reason not to trust her.  He had usually relied on his gut reaction to someone when deciding to let them join his crew.  For most people that reaction was either yes or no.  Seska had not triggered either response so he had given her the benefit of the doubt.  He now knew that was a mistake.  His instinct had let him down; it had not functioned when he needed it most.

For hours Chakotay warred with himself.  How could he ever trust himself or his own judgment?  He had let his crew down and it nearly cost them their lives.  Emotionally he didn’t think he could learn to trust anyone again.  Intellectually he knew he had to deal with this and force himself to trust others, but especially himself.  If he couldn’t do that, he would be of no use to anyone.  If he couldn’t trust himself and others, he would have a very limited future.  As he reached this conclusion, he realized that he did still trust some others, like B’Elanna.  She had been worthy of his trust.  Seska had torn apart his past life both personally and professionally, and he was not about to let her destroy his present and future.  He was determined to have the victory in this last battle with Seska.  He would force himself to trust his instinct.  If necessary, he would use B’Elanna as a basis for comparison.  The captain of this ship was a good place to start.  His reaction to the captain the previous day was that she was sincere.  B’Elanna had seemed at ease with her.  Chakotay would start learning to trust again; he would trust the captain.

Thoughts of trusting the captain brought other thoughts about her to his mind.  The one thing that stood out about his meeting with the captain had been her eyes.  She had seemed to be looking for something when she looked at him, to be searching his soul for the answer to some unspoken question.  Whatever it had been, she seemed to have found it.  Then she smiled . . . really smiled at Chakotay and that smile had touch his soul.  Chakotay had thought his soul was shriveled and dried after the endless months in the Cardassian camp, but that smile had sparked it back to life. That spark was reawakening the man he had been in Starfleet and the Maquis.  It felt good.  He was beginning to feel human again.  Perhaps if he could regain that part of himself he could regain the parts Seska had destroyed as well.  Remembering the captain’s visit and all the emotions he had felt while in her presence, he thought he might have met the one woman who could not only help him regain himself but also complete himself.  Yes, trusting the captain, trusting Kathryn, would be the first step of his journey to reclaim his life.

Janeway was in her ready room three days later when the doctor contacted her that he was ready to release Chakotay from sickbay.  She had to make a decision today.  Where was she going to house Chakotay?  He was probably going to be her next first officer unless he preferred Federation prisons over search and rescue missions.  She asked the doctor to send Chakotay to her ready room when he was released from sickbay.  She pondered her choices.  House him with the rest of the crew or put him in her living room.  If he was to be her first officer, she did not want him to start his life on Voyager with the rest of the crew.  He would need a certain distance from the crew.  She didn’t want to undermine his authority before he even had it.  On the other hand, she didn’t want to give him preferential treatment if he was going to end up in a Federation prison.  As a former Starfleet Commander and captain of the Élan, she could argue (with whom?) that he warranted the special treatment.  She doubted that anyone on her crew would notice much less comment.  Except Tom Paris.  He always noticed and usually commented.  Kathryn finally realized that she was refusing to consider an additional factor -- her reaction to meeting him that one time in sickbay.  That smile, meant for someone else had touched her.  She remembered touching his shoulder to hold him down, and not wanting to draw her hand back when he yielded.  He was emaciated and his face showed the signs of what he had endured in the last year and a half.

Kathryn thought back to all the files about him that she had read since she received her orders to capture him and his crew.  She suspected she had received and read every file Starfleet had that even mentioned him, his career in Starfleet, or his acts as a member of the Maquis.  She knew him as well as anyone could a person they had never seen face to face.   Yet, there was something more about this man.  Kathryn had long known he intrigued her.  He was a compilation of conflicting actions and principles – a man who valued peace yet joined the military and then a band of freedom fighters; and a loyal Starfleet officer who was sought by Starfleet as a subversive.  Kathryn suspected that when she knew him better there would be no conflicts, that when she knew the person it would all make sense.  Meeting him face to face had added another component to the mix.  Something had sparked between them when she touched his shoulder.  She was attracted to him, as a person, as a personality, and as a man.  At first she tried to convince herself that it was just a physical reaction, but finally her conscience would not allow her to get away with lying to herself.  She finally admitted that it was not just a male-female attraction but also something much more.  How much more she wasn’t sure, but she did know she wanted him to stay on Voyager.  She wanted him in her quarters and she wanted him in her life.

That was not like her.  At least it was not like the Kathryn Janeway who had first taken command of Voyager.  The year of war and the search for survivors had changed her more than she thought.  Looking back Kathryn realized those changes began and ended with this one man’s appearance in her life.  He was her first real failure in Starfleet.  He wasn’t on the Élan when she finally found it and her orders had explicitly stated that she fine ‘him and his crew’.  She had studied the man who had eluded her.  She knew more about Chakotay than she did any person on her ship or in Starfleet.  She knew things about his career in Starfleet that even he didn’t know.  She knew he had been a shining star for more than half the admiralty.  Those admirals never told him he had been put on the promotions list for his own ship and captaincy only three days before he resigned his commission.  That slap in the face was why Kathryn’s orders had so explicitly singled Chakotay out from all the Maquis.  Her reaction to her failure and the war had forced her to view Starfleet without the rose-colored glasses.  She now had no trouble ignoring most of the rules and regulations that served no useful purpose in a given situation.  She viewed them for what they were – a guideline and starting point, not the final say on any issue.  In reviewing events over the last few weeks, Kathryn realized that her personal evolution had slowed nearly to a halt.  Oh, she would still learn and still make changes in her command style, but the person who was Kathryn Janeway was complete.  She didn’t quite understand how or why, but when she had finally met Chakotay in sickbay, she had known the meeting signaled her completion.  She knew him so well yet not at all, but when she looked into his eyes she saw the other side of herself.  There was a comfort in the knowledge of who you are and who you need in your life, and in knowing that even if a piece of yourself chooses to travel a different path, it is still out there somewhere.  She would rather have him with her, but a part of her knew that if he chose another path, she would still be at peace and complete for just having met him.

A chime interrupted Kathryn’s thoughts.  Chakotay entered the room slowly, looking around at the furniture.  The viewport caught his attention and he moved to watch the passing stars.  He felt free for the first time in months as he watched them drift by.  Kathryn allowed him his moment.  Chakotay turned to her after a few minutes.  “I’m sorry, Captain.  It’s just been a very long time since I saw the stars.  It’s been a longer time since I had the freedom to watch them.  Thank you.

"Now, Captain, you wished to see me."

“Please, have a seat, Chakotay.  How much has B’Elanna told you about the current situation of the former members of the Maquis?”  Chakotay had been filled in more than adequately.  He added that B’Elanna was hoping that he would be able to accept the offer made to his crew before the war.

“I’m afraid that B’Elanna is more optimistic than she should have been.  I’m afraid that the offer from Starfleet has been revised because of the change in your circumstances as a result of the war.  Rather than give you the offer they gave your crew, Starfleet is giving you the same offer they gave the Maquis that had been in prison prior to the Cardassian War.  Your offer is ten years in Starfleet or at least ten years in a Federation prison.  Although my orders advised me of the terms if you accepted a commission in Starfleet, they did not spell out the details if you turned it down.  Martial law is still in effect in quite a few systems near the Cardassian border, including DS9 and Bajor, so you could be imprisoned without trial if Starfleet so ordered.  I can’t promise that Starfleet would assign you to Voyager, but I would make the request if you choose rejoin Starfleet.  For reasons of my own, I want you on my crew.  I have every other former member of the Maquis who elected to join Starfleet on my crew and I need a first officer.  You would complete my crew.  I also believe you would encourage the merging of the crew into one solid group.  There are still a few tensions between Starfleet and Maquis, though they are decreasing.  I believe you would eventually eliminate them entirely.

“Until you are fit for duty, there is no need for you to commit yourself to one option or the other, in my opinion.  However, Starfleet might want an answer before Voyager leaves DS9 after dropping off our civilian survivors.  Do you have any questions?”  Chakotay contemplated the captain’s words sorting through various scenarios.  He had already decided to trust the captain but something was still flitting around in his head.  He wasn’t sure exactly what was flitting but it just went ‘round and ‘round endlessly, demanding his attention.  The fluttering thought finally put itself into words.  How did the woman feel about the man?  Once the question was formed, he finally realized why he had struggled with the question:  it wasn’t circling his head; it was circling his heart.  He was physically and emotionally attracted to the Kathryn Janeway not just as a friend and commanding officer but also as a man attracted to a woman.  His decisions were not just about the captain but also about the woman.  One phrase among all her words had caught his attention but had been all but lost in the following comments and nearly obscured by his subsequent thoughts.

“What reasons of your own, Captain?”

“You know.  Personal reasons.  Unrelated to Starfleet or Voyager’s mission.  Reasons that are mine, not the captain’s.”  She flushed at the question.  Someday she would explain all he was to her, but today was a day to be simply male and female.  She fidgeted as she responded though her voice was steady.  She refused to meet his eyes as he gazed at her.  Now it was her turn to escape to the viewport and watch the stars.  Chakotay tossed options back and forth in his mind.  He wanted to accept the offer to rejoin Starfleet.  He had left part of himself behind when he resigned his commission in what now seemed another lifetime.  His reason for leaving Starfleet was gone.  His friends were on this ship and he could probably make his acceptance conditional upon at least a few years with this crew.  But he found that he wanted more than the offer Starfleet had made.  He wanted the offer Kathryn had not made, only hinted at very indirectly.  "Well, it’s all or nothing," he thought as he walked toward the captain.  He turned her to face him, raised her face and examined her eyes and sought her soul.  Deciding he liked what he saw and thinking himself the biggest fool in the quadrant, he kissed her.  He had intended to be gentle and to seek her consent; instead the kiss was one of possession and passion.  She accepted the possession and returned the passion before pulling away.  He might not command the ship, but he could and would command the woman who was its captain.

Chakotay laughed to himself as he walked down the hall on his way to his new quarters.  Who did he think he was kidding?  He could be the Commander in Chief of Starfleet and she a lowly academy cadet and he would still be hers to command.  Oh, she might accept his possession and never challenge him in their personal relationship, but he knew if she really wanted to command him, he would always follow.  Yet there was something in her response to his possession that told him she would never use that power — that he was in charge of their relationship as man and woman.  He also knew somehow that if they disagreed on a command decision and he really pushed the issue, that she would yield to his judgment.  He amended his earlier thought: she would command the ship and he would command their lives.

Chakotay looked around his new quarters.  They were much better than on the Élan. He still didn’t know whose quarters these were though he had his suspicions.  There was clearly only one other occupant and logic dictated that only the captain would have private quarters on a ship as crowded as Voyager presently was.  He had told the captain he would like to consider the offer for a few hours before committing to either option.  She accepted that response, a look of disappointment crossing Kathryn’s face before being hidden by the captain’s cool countenance.  Chakotay was getting good at seeing the struggle between the two.  He looked around the room, examining the few pieces of art and books on a shelf.  He eyed the couch trying to decide whether it would make a decent bed.  Finally he was drawn to the viewport where he once again watched the stars go by.

Kathryn Janeway paused outside her quarters and composed herself.  She was still distracted by Chakotay’s actions in her ready room and even more disturbed by her response, but she was not ready to confront him about his behavior yet.  The captain entered her, now their, quarters.  Chakotay turned away from the view of the stars to gaze at Kathryn.  He was trying to assess her mood.  She was all captain.  He decided now was the time to ask another question that had been lurking in the back of his mind, but had not surfaced until a few hours ago.  Seska had taunted him that a Starfleet spy had been on board his ship.  He had to know the truth.  “Captain, . . .”, he started.

“Please, in our quarters, call me Kathryn.  There is enough formality on the bridge; I don’t need it in my home.”

“OK.  Kathryn, Seska, the Cardassian spy who was on my ship said that Starfleet had also planted a spy.  I’ve found out since coming on board Voyager that it was Tuvok.  Do you know what it’s like to find out I let two spies roam my ship and report everything that happened back to our enemies?  Have you any idea how that makes me feel?”

“No, I’ve never had that happen that I know of, Chakotay.  ‘That I know of.’  I might have had it happen and never found out.  There could even be a spy on board right now.  You just found out about it.  But, no, I don’t know how you feel, but I can imagine some of it.  Seska fooled everyone and I know Tuvok is good, even by Vulcan standards.  He was my Chief of Security before he was given the assignment to infiltrate the Maquis.  He returned to that post after we rescued the crew of the Élan.  For what it’s worth, he was instrumental in maintaining enough of a command structure to facilitate minimal repairs that kept the crew alive until we arrived.  As B’Elanna put it in her earlier reports, “He organized and prioritized.  I fixed the priorities.”  It sounded like an armed truce, but it worked.  B’Elanna can give you all the details.”

“Where is he now?”

“Tuvok was promoted a few days before Voyager left on this assignment.  He was transferred to another ship to serve as its first officer.  He was fifth on the promotions list for his own ship, so he should have his own command soon if he doesn’t already.  We’ve been out of touch with Starfleet because of the interference in the Badlands.  The whole crew needs a chance to catch up on news and rest.  I’m glad we’re only a few days from DS9.  We all need a break.”  Janeway was tactfully trying to change the subject.  She knew that one spy among your crew was bad, but two . . . and he had taken the most dangerous of them to his bed.  She wondered if the strength that made Chakotay a strong leader had survived the insult, and if the empathy that made him a compassionate leader had survived the betrayal by comrades and lover.  She also wondered whether he had lost the ability to trust and love, both others and himself.  If he couldn’t trust himself, he would never be able to serve as first officer effectively.  Chakotay allowed Kathryn to change the subject, but Kathryn could tell that he was struggling with self-doubt and guilt for those hurt because of his inability to see a person for what they were.

The conversation gradually turned from the rescue and crew to more personal anecdotes about friends and family.  Eventually they found themselves discussing the weather at Starfleet headquarters and laughed at themselves for discussing such a ridiculous subject out in the Badlands.  Kathryn finally noticed the time and indicated they should go to the mess hall for dinner.  There would be a lot of people eager to speak with Chakotay.  After they ate, the captain said that she was returning to her quarters to work on reports for Starfleet about the last few months and that he should stay and catch up on news with his former crew.  He started to argue with her but something in her expression said she was not going to change her mind on this point.  When he yielded to her wishes with a smile, she returned it.

“See you later, Chakotay.”  Kathryn paused before she left the table.  “You need to allow yourself to trust and love others, Chakotay, but before you can do that, you need to trust and love yourself again.  If you want my help with any of those issues or if you just need to talk, let me know.”  She touched his shoulder and was gone.

Chakotay moved to a larger table in a corner of the room where he was immediately joined by half a dozen of his former crew.  They knew most of his story and he was reluctant to share the details they didn’t know, so they spent most of their time telling him about the war with Cardassia and the Dominion.  They filled him on the most recent gossip including the Starfleet portion of the crew.  At times, Chakotay had trouble following stories because so many people were involved that he had yet to meet.  What struck him the most, however, was the number of Voyager’s crew who were strangers to Chakotay yet who approached him to welcome him to Voyager and express their relief that he was among the survivors. After a few hours, Chakotay began to tire and broke away from the crowd, promising to continue the discussion the next day.

Chakotay returned to his quarters wondering whether the captain would be there.  She was . . . in her chair with reports spread around her feet, sound asleep.  He debated whether to wake her.  To fall asleep so early was an indicator of how much she needed the sleep.  Chakotay finally decided to move her to her bed where she would rest more comfortably.  Cautiously, he picked her up and headed for her bedroom.  She roused as he placed her on the bed and then slowly became aware of where she was and who was with her.

“Chakotay?”  He stared into her eyes as she spoke and saw a memory of the afternoon.

“I would like to take you up on your offer.  I’d like you to help me learn to love and trust myself and others again, especially the love others part, if the offer is still open.” He sat down on the edge of the bed as he spoke.

“The offer is still open, Chakotay.”  Kathryn spoke softly as she searched his face for answers to more unspoken questions.  Chakotay searched her face in turn making sure she understood the extent of his request before continuing.

“Kathryn, you never did answer my question this afternoon.  What kind of personal reasons do you have for wanting me to stay on Voyager?”  Her reply was to pull his head down for another kiss saying, “This kind of personal.”  Chakotay never did find out whether that couch made a decent bed.